Depressed mother, I hope you are also held tenderly

I saw a piece of news that in the early hours of yesterday morning, a tragic scene occurred in a community in Tongchuan City, Shaanxi Province. A young mother fell to her death from an 8-story building while holding her baby, who was less than 10 months old… An owner of a residential complex said that they heard that the mother was suffering from postpartum depression. She might have had a quarrel with her family members and became emotional and couldn\’t think about it. At present, the police are still investigating the specific cause of the incident. Postpartum depression is really no joke, it seems to be happening around us more and more. Here are some news reports in the first half of 2017: In February 2017, \”Pengcheng Evening News\” reported that a woman wanted to drink pesticides to commit suicide after giving birth. After examination, experts said it was postpartum depression… In February 2017, \”Qilu Evening News\” According to reports, a woman from Tai\’an, Shandong Province was severely depressed after giving birth to her second child, and attempted suicide four times by drinking medicine and hanging herself… In January 2017, \”Hualong.com\” reported that the woman suffered from postpartum depression and smothered her 3-month-old child to death… January 2017 In August, a Xiangtan mother committed suicide by jumping off a building with her two children in her arms. The cries of the old mother and her husband echoed through the community… A friend said that she had been having constant conflicts with her family recently, and the problems all revolved around the children. She had just become a mother. What is it like to be a mother? A friend said that before giving birth, she imagined being a mother with well-behaved children, a considerate husband, a family of three talking and laughing, reading books, playing games and going to the park… After giving birth to a child, she gradually realized that she no longer belonged to herself and was no longer the mother of a child. However, it seems that the husband does not have such a strong experience. During her pregnancy, she read a lot of parenting books. At that time, her husband was also very supportive and felt that she would be a good mother. But after the child was born, I really felt that raising a child was really tiring. She can easily feel the needs of her children. For example, if the child cries, she knows that the child may be hungry or has a bowel movement. However, because the body has not fully recovered and sometimes I am too tired, I think my husband or parents-in-law can help, but the family does not know the needs of the child. They don\’t feel it, and sometimes, the husband even thinks she is too sensitive. She had no choice but to rely on herself, but her family members said she was hypocritical. She was too tired to raise children, her husband could not give her support, and her parents-in-law did not approve of her new method of raising children. They were also disgusted with her sensitivity towards children. Her parents-in-law said to her: \”Since your method is scientific, then you can take care of the children by yourself.\” Therefore, all the causes of the child\’s crying and problems will be attributed to her. on the body. This friend said: I feel very sad! Others will only complain about mothers\’ emotions, saying that they are sensitive, depressed and pretentious, but they don\’t know that they instinctively bear it silently and bear the instinct of being a mother. \”Primary maternal cathexis\” is a theory proposed by the British psychoanalyst Winnicott: from before the baby is born to a few weeks after birth, the mother is fully focused on meeting the baby\’s needs in a highly sensitive psychological state. Beginning in the third trimester, the mother\’s interest gradually shifts from herself and the outside world to the baby, and her own existence seems to exist only to adapt to the needs and wishes of the baby, and everything else that was once important takes a back seat. Many expectant mothers have had this experience. The closer they get to their due date, the more they start to feel uncontrollable.Prepare things, tidy up the house, purchase various baby products that may be needed, decorate the child\’s room, crib…etc. This is because the expectant mother is preparing herself to become a mother, not only for the practical needs, but also for herself to adapt to a new identity. Many times, it may be difficult for the husband to understand why he has to do so many tricks, buy so many unnecessary items, and run around decorating the room even though he is pregnant. Just like animals, humans have nesting instincts, and these are motherly instincts. In the process of giving birth to a life, a mother experiences not only physical changes, but also identity changes and psychological changes. And these changes are often intertwined and ambiguous. These can cause anxiety to mothers. Especially for new mothers, they are often accompanied by self-doubt, doubt about their ability, and worry about whether they can be a good mother. On the one hand, they will wonder about how to take good care of the baby, where to take the baby to play in the future, and what knowledge to teach the baby… On the other hand, they will worry about what if there is not enough milk. Is the child\’s physical development good? Even family relationships, career development, and more are taken into consideration. The pressure and energy loss that new mothers endure every day are beyond the imagination of most people. Especially during the confinement period, the body has not yet recovered, and the baby will endlessly send out physical and psychological needs to the mother, and the mother will instinctively want to satisfy the child. But such satisfaction often leaves mothers exhausted from breastfeeding, crying at night, changing diapers… Many times, mothers feel like their world is being swallowed up. The child won\’t sleep, wants to sleep but can\’t, is woken up after sleeping for a short time, is worried about being taken by the elderly or a nanny, and may even feel that he has not fulfilled his responsibilities. Many times, mothers can no longer bear it physically and mentally, and hope to get some rest. This kind of rest is not only physical rest, but also psychological rest. The best case scenario is that the child can fall asleep quickly and fall asleep together. Mothers hope to put their children to sleep quickly so that they can rest. When their children cannot fall asleep for various reasons, mothers will become anxious and angry at the same time. What worries me is why I can’t take care of my child’s sleep. Am I not qualified for this role? What makes you angry is that I have worked so hard to get you to sleep, why don\’t you let me rest. A netizen left a message in the background saying that her child had severe eczema and she felt very sorry for her. Every time she saw her child relapse, she felt extremely helpless and wanted to commit suicide. It felt so bad. Another netizen left a message saying that when he is too tired to take care of his children, he sometimes suddenly gets the idea that he wants to kill his children and then commit suicide himself. But as soon as this idea came out, I couldn\’t help but scold myself. Many mothers will feel strong guilt and self-attack because they have had these thoughts. In addition, the mother\’s perfect imagination of herself was shattered during pregnancy, and she feels that she is not a good mother and that she is worthless, but she is eager to take care of her. child. The child feels the mother\’s emotions and naturally cannot fall asleep peacefully. mother bodyMy heart is exhausted, and now I feel as if my child is deliberately trying to make things difficult for me, and is crying no matter how hard I try. At this time, I find it difficult to control my emotions, and I even can\’t help but want to attack my child. Winnicott also introduced the concept of the “good enough mother.” Winnicott believed that as the baby grows, a good enough mother will provide the child with enough but not too much support, neither neglecting nor overly interfering. This kind of good-enough mothering differs from perfectionistic and idealistic lines of thinking, which deprive children of some kind of growth and the opportunity to adapt to external setbacks. And \”good enough mother\” also tells mothers that what you can\’t do and what you can\’t perfect is not a fault. Those real emotions are all for you to get appropriate rest and adjustment, and they are all for your children. Can have the ability to gradually adapt to external setbacks. At the same time, as a husband, try to provide your wife with understanding and support as much as possible. Your tolerance is your support for your children. The best thing a father can do for his child is to hold his child\’s mother. Because of this, the mother\’s emotions can flow, and the mother has enough space to hold her child\’s emotions. Why do so many mothers suffer from postpartum depression? Postpartum depression often causes mothers to feel guilty and anxious about their children, but their emotions cannot be relieved and held. On the contrary, they may have to bear harsh criticism from their families. Many people only see mothers at this time who are emotionally sensitive and unstable, but they don\’t know that they are instinctively working hard and enduring silently to become a mother. At this moment, what they need most is the warmth and support of their families, not judgment and criticism. Blessings to all new mothers, I hope you can be held as gently as a newborn child.