Don’t worry when your child disrespects you, talks back to you, or is rebellious. Just say these four sentences to him.

I saw a mother asking for help on Zhihu: Her child, who is in his first year of high school, is now lying flat and locks himself in his room all day long. Sometimes, when she cares a little about the child, he will yell at her: \”Don\’t worry about it, get out of here.\” The child plays games until midnight every night and doesn\’t study. He becomes very irritable and messy at home after saying a few words to him. Smash things. The mother said: He used to be so well-behaved and sensible, but now he doesn\’t respect me at all. Every time he thinks about it, he wants to cry. It\’s really heartbreaking to see this mother\’s helplessness. Why do children nowadays disrespect their parents more and more? He yells at his parents all the time, and is completely rebellious. I once saw an explanation in a parenting book: Many times, children talking back, yelling at their parents, and being rebellious may stem from the brain\’s natural reactions. A particularly rebellious child must have experienced being yelled at, criticized, ridiculed and disrespected by his parents. The human brain has three reactions when faced with criticism: attack, escape and defense. Therefore, we see a series of back-talking, rebellious and other behaviors of children, which are the children\’s way of \”defending\” themselves. 01 Competitive parents inspire \”rebellion\” in their children. There is a famous \”snake chasing law\” in psychology: it tells the story of a person who was bitten by a venomous snake that suddenly appeared while walking in the wild. His first reaction was not to treat his wounds, but to vent his anger. Then, he picked up a nearby branch and chased in the direction of the snake, hoping to kill the snake immediately. But the snake had already disappeared without a trace, and he had already collapsed on the roadside due to the poisonous attack. This person is very similar to many parents. When a child makes us feel bad, our first reaction is to \”compete\” with the child: if the child fails in the exam, instead of looking for his weaknesses, we beat and scold the child. Later, he was criticized for not taking the exam seriously. A child accidentally broke a water glass while sweeping the floor. His mother scolded him and criticized him for saying \”he can\’t do this well.\” When the child made a mistake, the first thing the parents thought of was to vent their anger and they continued to beat, scold and criticize the child. , while ignoring the root of the problem, thus exacerbating the problem. In the end, just like the man who chased the poisonous snake around with bloody wounds, he always competed, leaving both sides covered with bruises. Studies have shown that parents’ excessive competition often makes children feel constrained, thereby exacerbating their rebellious psychology. One netizen said that her daughter has become extremely rebellious since the second grade of junior high school, and she will do everything against her. Not only has her grades plummeted, but she is also addicted to mobile games. At first, she confiscated her daughter\’s cell phone, yelled at her, and scolded her, but her daughter just treated her as air and wouldn\’t say a word when she got home. She would just lock herself in her room. In anger, she removed the lock on the door of her daughter\’s room and guarded her every day. Unexpectedly, her daughter became more and more disgusted with her, always rolling around in front of her, yelling, and even refused to go to school. She was heartbroken when she saw her daughter\’s rebellion, but there was nothing she could do. Every child who dares to compete with his parents has accumulated too much dissatisfaction or other uncomfortable feelings towards his parents. If parents always: have a tough attitude when facing their children, always yell when talking to their children, and always curse when their children don\’t listen.Lilie. Although you obviously love your children, you show more hatred, which will arouse the children\’s \”rebellion\”. Parents who compete with their children are actually competing with their own inner stubbornness, and ultimately hurt their children and lose themselves. 02 Every rebellious child is fighting for sovereignty. In \”Decoding Adolescence\”, the author wrote this passage: \”When a child keeps pushing away his parents, provoking his parents, and constantly doing this test, in fact, he I just want to see if my parents love me. \”Rebellious children don\’t love them, but they lack love. And the love that children need is not just \”integration\”. Sometimes the \”separation love\” is not given in place, which can also arouse children\’s rebellious psychology. Especially for these three rebellions in the child\’s growth, each time the child is looking for himself, and the parents cannot understand it, so the child \”doesn\’t love you\”. First rebellion: 2-3 years old, likes to do everything by himself. Children at this stage have self-awareness and like to make their own decisions in everything. So when a child says \”no, no, no good\”, he is saying \”I want to do it myself\”. Second rebellion: 7-9 years old, strong sense of independence. Children at this stage especially like to talk back, and especially love to argue with their parents about right and wrong, because they have their own ideas and don\’t like to be interfered with. Children at this stage are very face-conscious and cannot accept criticism. Therefore, if their parents often criticize and accuse them, they will make them resist by talking back. The third rebellion: 12-17 years old, longing for respect and freedom. Children at this stage have a very strong sense of self: they value personal privacy very much and long for space and time to be alone. He is sensitive and speaks less and less to his parents. If his parents don\’t respect him, his temper will be triggered. Desire to make decisions by oneself, including when to study, make friends, and what to wear, and do not like to be interfered with. Children at this stage, who are in adolescence, have a stronger pursuit of individual independence and freedom, and hate all restraints. Therefore, the more rebellious children are, the more they want to maintain their sovereignty by \”defeating their parents\”. No matter what period of rebellion, it is because one\’s own desires have not been satisfied. As long as enough love is given, it will not happen. Satya\’s iceberg theory puts it this way: Everyone is like an iceberg floating in the sea: the behaviors, words, emotional reactions, etc. seen by the outside world are only a small part of the surface of the sea and are surface phenomena; these behavioral phenomena determine , is most of the undercurrent below the sea surface. It consists of a person\’s feelings, beliefs, coping patterns, needs and spiritual pursuits. The better a child feels, the more likeable his behavior will be; the worse he feels, the worse his words and deeds will be. 03 To prevent children from being rebellious, just say these 4 sentences to them. When we understand the child\’s rebellion, we need to solve the problem and prevent it from the root, mainly in the way parents communicate. \”Nonviolent Communication\” points out that if you want to achieve a balanced parent-child relationship, you need to achieve four elements in communication: observation, feelings, needs and status. Combining these four elements, it is actually four sentences. 1. \”I saw…\” By saying your observation as it is, you are describing the facts to your child. For example: \”I saw you playing with toys while doing homework. In order to writeThe work efficiency is high, please put away the toys. \”I saw you threw the rubbish on the ground. To keep your home tidy, please pick it up.\” \”I saw that you studied a little more seriously today than yesterday.\” \”I saw you took the initiative to do housework today.\” \”…the words \”I see\”: if used to criticize: although there are reproaches and commands in the words, the feeling given to the child is gentle. If used to encourage: it is conveyed to the child It\’s \”I\’m paying attention to you\”. After hearing this, the child thought. Realize: I am making a mistake and correct it immediately. Parents value me very much. Therefore, using \”I saw…\” to describe a real fact to the child is a positive emotional expression full of sincerity and kindness. 2. Easier to accept and recognize. \”I feel…\” Express your true inner feelings. When many parents communicate with their children, the children often remain silent while the parents criticize and accuse them. Such a result will cause the children to feel disgusted and then fight back against their parents by talking back and being disobedient. In fact, the result of communication is to let the other party understand his or her feelings, so we must \”tell our true feelings first\” in front of our children. For example, we require children to play with hands for 30 minutes. But he played with the phone for forty minutes. At this time, we were very angry. Most parents would say: You must turn off the phone immediately. This commanding tone will make the children hate their parents, and then they will argue silently. Say: Ten minutes have passed since the time we set. I feel that you did not perform as well as yesterday. The other meaning of the words \”I feel\” is: I hope. On the one hand, it conveys to the child: encouragement and recognition. I have done well in the past. On the other hand: Use \”a sense of expectation\” to make children more aware of their mistakes, which can stimulate their consciousness and sense of responsibility. 3. \”I want you to do this…\” …\” Expressing your expectations is to convey our needs to the children and guide them to change. Let the children really see the heart of \”you are good for him\” through your words, instead of yelling Scream \”I\’m doing this for your own good\” For example: I want you to do your homework quickly because I want you to play happily after finishing it. I don’t want you to play games because I am worried that you will be addicted to them and affect your study… Clearly expressing the child\’s needs will make the child feel that the parents are really doing it for him. To educate the child and reject emotional violence, we must use as much gentleness as possible to guide the child to do the right thing. 4. \”You can do this.\” Something? \”There is an \”expectation effect\” in altered state psychology: it means that if you have expectations for others, you can treat them with a sincere attitude and give them sincere appreciation, thereby mobilizing their enthusiasm and prompting them to move toward what you want. If the child makes a mistake, we can add the \”expectation effect\” to guide the child to make a promise to himself. For example, we often say to him, \”You did well before. Can this be done well now? \”Praise the child first, then guide him to make a commitment, and remind him: You should change the current situation. Only the invitation sent by yourself will the child be willing to change.Change. In fact, this is also a choice given to children. If you let him have autonomy and feel respected, he will put away his rebellious thoughts. 04 The psychology book \”Children: Challenges\” writes: From the day a child is born, parents also begin to learn to be a \”filter.\” Through slow observation and guidance, we filter out situations that children can face and cope with on their own, and then consciously step back, allowing children to experience and grow on their own, and experience the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment after solving the problem. Rebellion and backtalk are hidden in every child\’s heart. The only factor that determines whether he will explode is whether he feels that his parents love him well. Every child will make mistakes, be stressed, and become bad. At this time, parents must learn to \”filter\” all the shortcomings of the child, and then respect him, pay attention to him, accept him, and wait for him. The child will also filter out his heart. out of the haze, give love to your parents. Therefore, we try our best to educate our children with love: be emotionally stable, not impatient, speak well, and feel that the child is getting better. Only when the child feels a sense of belonging and value will he burst out with internal drive. .