Once parents understand this, they will no longer have the heart to spank their children

The recent behavior of neighbor Xiaomei\’s son has made her very anxious. She asked me very carefully: Do you think I should hit him? The two-year-old child has been super stubborn recently and refuses to listen to anything he says. Without paying attention, he used his hands to press the jacks, looked for a stool to look for food, and dumped the clothes in the cupboard everywhere. As long as the room feels quiet, my son is acting like a demon. Last night, my son didn\’t eat well. He grabbed vegetables and rice with his hands, and even dropped vegetables and rice on the table. The father warned him several times, but his son remained indifferent and would not eat but play. He also grabbed his father\’s white shirt with greasy hands. The father suddenly became angry, took his son\’s hand, and hit the child\’s hand hard with chopsticks. She thought her son would cry shamelessly, but she never expected that under her father\’s anger, her son cried for a while and then finished the meal obediently. Finished! ! ! She was stunned. At that moment, she really doubted whether her education method was wrong and she should learn from her husband. I asked her: Next, will the child behave differently than usual? She tried her best to recall and said, \”Yes. The most obvious thing is that she keeps a distance from her father. For example, she doesn\’t let her hold her after taking a bath, and she doesn\’t want her to hold her when reading picture books.\” Before that, she always had to sleep in the middle of her sleep. Last night, he wanted to sleep on the edge and let me sleep in the middle. The most direct benefit of spanking a child is that the child will immediately become \”good\”, and the younger the child, the more effective it is. After the beating, there is another obvious result: the child will alienate the person who \”hit\” him. Stay close to people he feels can \”protect\” him. The famous host Wang Han said: Parents’ hands are used to hug their children, not to spank them. Someone confided on Zhihu: Being beaten frequently in childhood is a hurdle that can never be overcome. He said: I am now 20 years old. My friends in junior high school once laughed at him, \”What impresses me most about you is that you are beaten to tears by your father every day.\” He could only smile awkwardly after hearing this. When he was a child, his mother worked out of town and didn\’t come home often, so he lived with his father. Dad is a very serious person. As long as it is a trivial matter, if he does not like it, he will be beaten. As a result, my memories of childhood are all kinds of beatings. Even now, when I see my father, I will panic as if on a conditioned reflex. When his father spanks him, he seems to have a habit of hitting him harder and longer the harder he cries. After he discovered this pattern, every time he was beaten, no matter how painful it was, he would try not to make any sound and endure the tears silently. In the first year of junior high school, I discovered that I had a psychological barrier: when communicating emotionally with others, I wanted to talk about unhappy topics and tried every means, but I just couldn\’t say it out. What I wanted to say stuck in my throat and made me feel sore. My character developed into a timid and fearful person. That kind of thing. Except for domestic violence in ordinary families, the essence of spanking children is really \”thinking about the children.\” Almost every person born in the 1980s has had the experience of being beaten in childhood. For example: poor test scores and failure to abide by school rules and regulations; using money to buy toys and food you like without parents\’ permission; being known by parents to fight with classmates at school… If you ask those parents who spank their children: Why spank children?99% of parents would say that they only resorted to fighting because they really had no other choice. If you speak nicely, he will listen, and of course he will not choose to fight. I\’m not crazy and have to beat my own children. As the saying goes: There is a reason why I hit you and hurt my heart. From a parent\’s perspective: hitting is actually an expression of \”love\”. Because of my own limitations, I can\’t find a better way to guide my children to become stronger. Since \”beating\” also has certain benefits, why are we still opposed to \”beating\” children? The reasons are \”dependence\” and \”excessive force\”. In the process of educating their children, many parents feel that spanking is effective and quick. so good! From now on, no matter the size, reason, or process of the child\’s mistake, give him a spanking first and then talk about it. Where is the child? In addition to being beaten and fearful, it is also a gradual psychological imbalance. As Chen Qiaoen said in a program: When I was a child, I lived in fear. I didn’t know how to talk to my mother because I was afraid that she would hit me. There is also overexertion. From time to time, news breaks out about children’s death or suicide due to violent beatings. Last year, a mother beat her child to death because she accidentally lost her cell phone. The last words the child said were: Mom, I don’t want to see you. In 2016, a boy in Sichuan who had just passed the college entrance examination left a 2,800-word \”suicide note\” on QQ Space and committed suicide by drowning himself in a river. He said in his suicide note: He could not feel the love of his parents at home, only beatings and scoldings. Love, if it is not expressed in the way a child needs, is hurtful. The saddest result of spanking a child is: the child is no longer there despite clearly loving the child; the most terrifying result is: the child likes violence, hurts others and himself; the most helpless result: the child closes the window of the soul that connects to his parents – —In my world, you are you and I am me. There is a very famous study on \”Poppy Doll\” in psychology. Bandura and his team, with the support and help of the affiliated kindergarten, selected 36 boys and 36 girls to form the research subjects. The researcher brought the children in the experimental group into the activity room one by one. On the road, pretend to meet an adult unexpectedly and invite him over to \”join the game.\” After arriving in the activity room, arrange for children to play with toys in one area and adults in another area. The adult area has jigsaw puzzles, a mallet and a 1.5-meter-tall inflatable Bobbi doll. The researcher then left the room while the adult began assembling the puzzle. After 1 minute, he started hitting the Poppy Doll violently. Place the Poppy doll on the ground, sit on it, and hit it on the nose repeatedly. He then stood the doll up, picked up a mallet and hit it on the head, then threw it in the air and kicked it around the room. As the adults hit, they said: \”Hit him on the nose,\” \”Knock him down,\” \”Throw him up…, kick him…\” and \”He hasn\’t had enough yet,\” \”He\’s such a tough guy.\” In the experimental control group, the adults only played the puzzle seriously for 10 minutes and ignored the Poppy doll at all. The results of the experiment were: children in the experimental group were more inclined to imitate this behavior when they saw aggressive behavior from adults; almost no such behavior was found in the control group. Bandura came to the conclusion that adults\’ behavior conveys such a message to children.The message that this form of violence is allowed weakens children\’s inhibitions about aggressive behavior. And pointed out that children are more likely to exhibit aggressive behavior when they are frustrated! If parents had understood earlier that behavior is shaped in another important way besides rewards and punishments—by simply observing and imitating the behavior of others—they would no longer have the heart to spank their children. Recently, developmental psychologists have also discovered that whether the role of the violence gene is negative or positive depends more on the bad environment. Rather than whether to spank their children, parents should be more concerned about how to guide their children in a growth-oriented way. Psychology especially points out that children before 3 years old and children after 6 years old cannot be spanked. The first 3 years after a child is born is a sensitive period for psychological development, but due to mental retardation, poor language expression, and lack of rules and communication awareness. The best education method at this stage is the natural consequences method. That is: if a child makes a mistake and has negative consequences, let him experience and bear the mistakes he has made personally and learn from them. In \”Mom Is Superman 3\”, Baobao asked for biscuits when she was hungry because she didn\’t eat well, but was rejected by her mother, Alyssa Chia. Baobao wants to use cuteness, coquettishness, fake crying, and asking for his father to achieve his goal. Mom asked Bibba: \”Do you want to eat biscuits now or are you hungry?\” When Bibba said he was hungry, his mother said he should eat well if he was hungry. Later, my mother went to the kitchen to cook and ate the biscuits. The mother\’s approach is to allow the child to eat the biscuits on his hand, but also strictly requires Bubba to wait and eat well. When Bibi, who was about to eat, said, \”If you don\’t eat well, you\’ll get nothing.\” Mom emphasized again: If you don\’t eat well, you can\’t eat cookies and candies, but can only eat fruits, vegetables, and sweet potatoes. The natural consequences method does not use various conditions and consequences to \”coerce\” children to prevent them from doing certain things; rather, it \”informs\” children about the possible consequences of doing so, and then allows the children to make their own choices. As the baby grows, the natural method of gaining experience is essentially \”experiential growth\”, using consequences to guide the child\’s natural development in a positive direction. When using the natural consequences method, the attitude of the parents is very important. It must be a \”nothing to do with themselves\” attitude to be effective enough. For children before the age of three, they need more practical experience in life. Experience will bring children life experience. Experience is actually the best growth. After your child reaches elementary school, you will find that your child’s awareness of independence is getting stronger and stronger. Of course, self-esteem will become stronger and stronger. I long for my efforts, abilities, and explosiveness to be recognized and appreciated by my parents. The best educational method at this stage is: deep understanding and acceptance. The birth of Auggie in \”Miracle Boys\” is actually not a miracle. In order to give Auggie the best love and protection, his mother chose to stop her master\’s degree and serve as her son\’s full-time tutor. Auggie just started going to school and got a lot of hurt from the outside world. With the understanding and acceptance of his family, Auggie finally gained recognition and affirmation from the outside world and friends. The environment in which children live, whether violent or verbal, will hurt their sensitive hearts. Being emotionally introverted can easily create cowardice, low self-esteem, and low self-awareness in children. In this wayIt is very detrimental to children\’s study and life. It becomes especially important to accept, understand, and see children with empathy. At this stage, even if the direction he is trying is wrong, he must be encouraged to keep moving forward. Because it is the parents\’ duty to help their children grow up.