There is a kind of bad upbringing called \”If you can\’t share, you are not a good child.\”

One of my foreign teachers came to China to work with his wife and two daughters. One day I was invited to have dinner at this couple\’s house, and I happened to witness a scene of sisterly strife. Some of the couple\’s Chinese friends gave each of the girls a doll wearing a Tang suit. The two dolls look similar, but have slightly different clothing. I don’t know why, but my sister doesn’t like her own doll, but she likes her sister’s. But her sister refused to let her play. No matter what the younger sister said, the older sister just said \”No!\” After a while, the younger sister ran to her mother and \”sued\” her older sister for not giving her toys to play with. I heard her mother say: Baby, if my sister doesn’t want to, there’s nothing I can do about it. That\’s her thing. Think about it yourself, is there any way to get her to play with it for you? The younger sister looked disappointed and said: Then I will go find dad. Her mother said: But what can dad do to help you? The little girl thought for a while and said: Ask her for it for me. Mom said: Dad doesn’t want to see you sad, so he might ask your sister for toys for you. If my sister gives it to me, my sister will be very sad, and my father doesn’t want to see my sister sad. Dad will be sad regardless of whether he helped you get the toy or not. Do you want dad to be sad? My sister said: I don’t hope. Her mother added: So it’s best for you to find your sister yourself, right? The little girl nodded and added: But she didn\’t let me play. Her mother said: Can you think of any way to discuss it with her and let her play with you? Or if you have something that she likes to play with, you can exchange it. After her mother\’s persuasion, her sister returned to the room and \”negotiated\” with her sister. Not long after, I heard the laughter of two children. I was impressed by this mother\’s method. She basically did not participate in the dispute between the two children, but encouraged them to resolve it themselves. I talked about this with her and asked her why she only encouraged her younger daughter to discuss it with her older daughter instead of letting her older daughter \”share\” her toys with her younger sister. What she said is still fresh in my mind. She said: Sharing should be a happy thing, and forced things will not make people happy. We usually encourage children to share their own things, but we will not force them to \”share\”. They decide for themselves whether to share their things with each other. A friend once told me such a thing. There is a children\’s activity area in her community, and she often takes her son to play here. One day, her son brought three toy cars downstairs to play with. While playing, a little boy stepped forward and picked up a car that was lying on the ground. This little boy is often brought here to play by adults, so he is considered acquaintance. But his friend\’s son didn\’t seem to want to play with him, so he stepped forward, snatched the toy car back, and placed it on the ground. The little boy came over, picked up the toy car again, and said: Lend it to me to play with. Her son said unhappily: No, I want to play. At this time, the little boy\’s mother also came over and said to them: You should play together. It is fun to play with toys together. The little boy found that his mother was also \”supporting\” him, and he seemed to feel more confident. When my friend saw his son\’s face full of grievance and reluctance, he said: He doesn\’t want to play with you yet. He wants to play by himself and will play with you next time.Is it good to play? The little boy’s mother was very unhappy after hearing this. She didn’t know whether she was talking to my friend or her son, saying: We bring out all the toys we have to play with other children. Children must learn to share, and they are good children if they can share. . The friend was very embarrassed and persuaded his son to play with the little boy, but his son became more and more stubborn – he refused to say anything. My friend could only say to me: Grandma just said that the fruit for you has been washed. Let’s go back and eat the fruit. I’ll take the car out to play next time. Only then did he get the toy back from the child. But the little boy\’s mother was very unhappy. She stopped saying hello to them when she saw them downstairs, and seemed not to allow her child to play with her children anymore. You must \”share\” to be a good boy? Each of us will have things we like, but we may not want to share these things with others, nor do we necessarily want to share them. This is true for adults, and it is true for children too. Sharing is a virtue, but all virtues should have a prerequisite, which is voluntariness. If you ignore this premise, you will use the name of \”virtue\” to infringe on the interests of others. If parents do not pay attention to this premise, it is easy to misunderstand that their children are bad and unfriendly. Actually no, they just express their feelings more directly than adults. If a child shares voluntarily, feels happy during the sharing process, and is satisfied with the consequences of sharing, he will naturally develop the virtue of \”sharing.\” But if he is forced to \”share\” every time, or is even blackmailed and kidnapped with words such as \”if you don\’t share, you are not a good boy\”, not only will he not be able to experience the fun and benefits of sharing, but he will also be able to tolerate others only once. After repeated moral kidnappings, they gradually dared not speak out for their \”rights\”. When parents want to teach their children to \”share\” this behavior, they should use guidance rather than force. There is a mother’s method you can learn from. Her child has a lot of books, and some are original books brought back from abroad, which are relatively precious. The child himself is very careful when reading them. When the children of relatives and friends come to the house, they will be interested in her children\’s books and want to read them or even borrow them. She asked her children to classify books. There was a category of books that they liked the most and would never be lent to others. There was a category of books that could only be read at home. Of course, there were also books that could be lent to good friends and given away. Books… How to classify these books is decided by the children themselves. If someone wants to borrow or read a book, it depends on which category it belongs to. She and her husband often buy books for their children, and some people also give them books, so after a while, the children will recategorize the books. Those once \”favorite\” books may become \”giftable\” books, and then he will remember who once wanted to read this set of books, and when he has the opportunity, he will tell this person and give the book to him, or Lend him… Her child is not selfish at all, but a very popular child. She is not worried at all that her child will be taken advantage of by others outside, because her child has known how to treat things that belong to her since she was a child. If you want your children to learn to share, you can also inspire them to think when they are rejected by others. When they want to play with other people\’s toys and are rejected, they can offer to \”share\” their toys withOthers, then ask others to borrow what you want. Children can say: I will give you this toy of mine to play with, can you also give me your toy to play with? This method is actually a negotiation technique that is highly respected in business – I will give you something that belongs to me first, and then I will ask you for what I want. Parents should not think that their children are unwilling to \”share\” because they have not taught their children well. In fact, \”forced sharing\” is one of the very bad upbringings. It is up to the child to decide whether to share things that belong to the child. If your child doesn\’t want to share, don\’t criticize him at all. You can even tell him: You don\’t have to share.