When a child is bullied, the priority for parents is not whether to fight back or not.

My friend Yun’s son Ding Ding is 5 years old and was bullied by his peers twice in kindergarten. Once, there was a bite mark on my hand; another time, I was pushed to the ground and bruised on my buttocks. Yun asked me a question: \”If a child is bullied one after another, should parents help fight back?\” I was ready to answer her well, so I did some homework and read the historical answers on Zhihu. After reading through it, I realized that it turned out to be a historical problem. When I looked through the psychology textbook again, I discovered that it was also a global problem. The situation is complicated. It seems that I cannot simply answer Yun, to fight or not to fight. In reality, there are four situations: 1. Fight back, and the result is good. There is a child who was slapped by a classmate and ran home crying. His father found the perpetrator and said to his child: \”Fight back, dad is here.\” The child took courage several times and finally took action. He felt happy. He was no longer afraid of him and his self-confidence improved a lot. 2. When they fight back, the result is not good. Yangyang and Chenchen have been instilled with the concept of \”if someone offends you, you will offend them\” since childhood. Their parents are colleagues. Once, we went on a trip together. There was a conflict, and I don\’t know who hit whom first. The one who was hit refused to give up and hit him back again. Now, the two little boys turned into two fire dragons spitting anger at each other. No one could try to persuade them. They were pushed, shoved, and made noisy along the way. In short, the whole trip was ruined by their retaliation. 3. It’s good not to fight him back. In the above itinerary, there was actually a boy named Xuan. His parents taught him since he was young not to cry for spilled milk. If he was hit, he would run away quickly and go to a safe place. place. This child was actually affected by the fight between the two naughty children in front of him. But he soon calmed down. Don’t hold grudges and have fun along the way. 4. It’s not necessarily better if you don’t fight back. Another child was beaten, and the other parent came to apologize and the two parties reconciled. However, the child who hit him continued to bully the child who was beaten several times until they separated after graduation. Children who are beaten will question their parents\’ actions when they grow up. Well, if things are spread out like this, parents may become Buridan\’s donkeys. It is said that the donkey wandered in front of two identical piles of hay, hesitating, not knowing which pile to eat, and finally starved to death. It can be seen that just superficially choosing to fight back or not fight back is not a good way to think about and solve this problem. So what is the best strategy? Please click here to enter a description of the image. American writer Simon Sinek proposed a cognitive model called the Golden Thinking Circle. Its core is that people should start from why and find solutions to problems. In other words, when parents face their children being bullied, the best way to think is not to focus on whether to fight back, but to explore why my children are easily bullied by others? If parents do not find the answer to this question, then the situation of being bullied may not be reversed. A hit and a punch back are only expedient measures. There are roughly three reasons why children are easily bullied: 1. At the victim level, I agree with one sentence. When a person encounters repeated setbacks, he must think about what there is in himself that attracts others to hurt you. When I see the word bullying,The first scene that came to my mind was the boys in the American TV series \”Prison Break\” who were bullied to death by a prisoner named T-bag. Those boys all had some of the characteristics of vulnerable people: they were short, unfit, weak-looking, timid, silent, had no skills, and no caring friends. These are exactly the traits that researchers have found in children who are often bullied. 2. Perpetrator level In 1999, on April 20, a massive shooting occurred at Columbine High School in the United States. Two student murderers killed 14 teachers and students with prepared explosives, and then committed suicide. This incident shocked the United States. Society began to discuss why the perpetrators did such crazy things? The investigation found that the two students had no mental illness, attended classes on time, and had good grades. The cause of the tragedy was that they themselves were fooled, ridiculed, and excluded a long time before the incident. Perpetrators often become victims. Children who can\’t control themselves and hit others and love to bully weak ones may be abused at home. So instead of dwelling on the punch, it\’s better to find out what happened to the child who hit others and what happened to his family. ? 3. Environmental level Many times, bullying is not a problem of a single person, but a situational factor. After being bullied, many children neither tell their teachers nor their parents and suffer in silence. The reason is that when he told the teacher, he was not taken seriously, and the teacher thought he was nosy. When he told his parents, his parents scolded him: It\’s useless, he will only cry. Find the cause and the countermeasures will follow. 1. Make children strong There is a book called \”Convict Fitness\”, which is very popular. In fact, the author Paul\’s motive for creating was very simple. He just wanted to prevent his weak self from being humiliated in prison, so he decided to make himself stronger through fitness. Sometimes someone decides to beat you just because you look weak, and the cost of violence the other person has to pay is very low. Children should be encouraged to tap into their potential for self-redemption. Keep exercising, practice skills, train your eyes, posture, body shape, and create a strong aura. 2. Make the abuser soft. Murphy is stubborn by nature, often fights, has dyslexia, and has poor grades. All his previous teachers gave up on him. Later, a new teacher came. He called Murphy aside and asked: \”Murphy, when were you not so naughty?\” Murphy thought for a while and said, \”I like Mr. Lewis\’s class. In his class, In my class, I never bully others.\” \”Why?\” \”Mr. Louis will greet me, give me homework alone, and patiently lecture on topics.\” The teacher discussed with others, and everyone treated Mo with Louis. Treat him the way Fei did. It didn\’t take long for Murphy to slowly learn to exercise restraint and no longer hit people casually. When we extend compassion and kindness to abusers, their attitude toward the world softens. 3. In the face of bullying, set a correct example. A psychologist once said: Children rarely listen well to what adults say, but they never stop imitating their behaviors. When being bullied by others, it is very important whether parents compromise or say no. I myself encountered an incident where my son’s kindergarten introduced a carpentry project from a training institution. Before signing up, the boss promised everyone: one person, one personmachine. Once the money was handed over, things changed. After the first class, I noticed two kids surrounded by all the machines. I took my children to confront my boss. The boss was very impatient. He waved his hand and said, \”Refund the money and don\’t come again next time.\” I enlisted the support of other parents and shouted out the dishonesty. In the end, the boss saw that there were many people and had to repent. In fact, several people and one machine are not that important, but how adults deal with bullying teaches children a lesson. They learned how to defend their legitimate rights and interests. In short, reality is not as beautiful as a garden. Parents must teach their children the courage and methods to not remain silent about pain.