Children tell white lies. Should we be happy for them or stop them?

We always think that children should not lie, but in reality we may want children to tell some white lies. A short story: This semester, Dandan’s daughter Xiaomang transferred a girl to her class, and the teacher arranged for her to sit next to Xiaomang. Two girls of similar age both like to watch anime and dolls. With the same hobbies, they soon became good friends who talked about everything and went to the bathroom together at school and after school. But just a while ago, the two children stopped talking. Dandan didn\’t understand and ran to ask Xiaomang the reason. At first, Xiao Mang felt aggrieved and awkward, and was unwilling to answer. After asking too many questions, Xiao Mang told Dandan: A few days ago, my friend asked me whether the newly bought clothes looked good. Xiao Mang took a look and saw a green coat with some wrinkles on the collar. It didn\’t look good on his friend. But seeing the happy look of his friend, Xiao Mang was afraid that telling the truth would make his friend sad. He also remembered that his mother once said that you can occasionally tell a white lie, so he told his friend that the dress looked good and even praised it. The color of this dress suits her particularly well. As a result, my friend came to class wearing this dress, and many little boys said that this dress was so ugly that they cried. Xiao Mang\’s friend was very angry. She felt that Xiao Mang was not telling the truth, so she no longer wanted to talk to her. There are actually many stories about Xiao Mang and her friends in life. In order not to make the children sad, he said the news of his grandma\’s death was that he had gone on vacation abroad; in order not to make his wife, who had just learned cooking, feel sad, his father taught his son to praise his mother\’s cooking and say it was delicious, so he said it was not delicious. The dishes also turned out delicious. But, can white lies really bring about benevolent results? What are white lies? In psychology, lies are divided into two categories. One is black lies, which are self-serving lies. The other type is white lies, which are white lies. A white lie is one where the speaker is fully aware that telling the truth will cause the listener to have a negative reaction and lying will cause the listener to have a positive reaction, and even though he knows the truth, he still lies for the benefit of the listener. A false statement contrary to fact. White lies are both deceptive and altruistic. Although we always don’t want our children to lie, we are not stingy when it comes to white lies. After all, we are taught from a young age that we need to take care of other people\’s feelings and that it is acceptable to lie if telling the truth will hurt others. Children may learn to tell white lies earlier than we think. Psychologist Talwar and others once recruited children aged 3-7 to participate in a research experiment called \”reverse rouge\”. During the experiment, there were two researchers and a child in a room. One of the researchers took a picture of the child. While the child was waiting for his own photo, the researcher asked the child to take a photo of himself. Before that, he asked the child , \”Do I look suitable for taking pictures?\” In the experimental condition, the researcher had an obvious lipstick mark on his nose, and in the control condition, the researcher was normal. Children who answered “appropriate” in the experimental condition were recorded as lying children. children under experimental conditionsAfter the children\’s responses, another researcher asked the children about their motives for telling lies or telling the truth. The results found that most children (85%) told white lies, and even 3-year-olds were able to successfully conceal their true emotions and tell what they believed to be white lies. Can white lies really bring about benevolent results? White lies are usually praised by people, but such harmless lies may also lead to unforeseen consequences. A \”white lie\” is more like an emotional buffer. Something happened, and I was afraid that people wouldn\’t be able to accept it, so I made up an excuse, said something against my will, and slowed down the matter before handling it. The \”white lie\” itself does not have much impact, it is just a buffer, but the truth will come one day. For example, if a child’s puppy dies, if we tell the child “the puppy went out to play”. The child will definitely continue to ask when the puppy will come back, or the puppy has not come back after a while, so how should we explain to the child. What will the child think if he finds out later that what we told was a lie? So in the end, people who have been \”benevolently deceived\” will eventually have to face this matter and deal with the emotional impact. If he has high emotional intelligence (strong ability to control emotions and feelings), maybe he can accept it well without lying to him; if he has low emotional intelligence, just using white lies to delay will have no effect, and may even deepen the truth. harm to the other party. Telling white lies is also likely to affect your child\’s interpersonal relationships with others. Just like what happened to Xiao Mang and her friend at the beginning of the article. Xiao Mang\’s friends feel that Xiao Mang has not told the truth to him. In fact, good friends need to be truthful and frank. She can accept good friends saying that her taste is bad, and she can just change it, but it is difficult for her to accept criticism from more people. The female philosopher Sisela Polk once warned that white lies will put people on the verge of a major decline in personality. She wrote in her book \”Lying, Moral Choices in Public and Private Life\”: \”Psychological barriers disappear, the ability to distinguish truth from falsehood becomes more blurred, and the concept that one\’s lies are undetectable may tend to be paranoid… \”At the same time, psychologists who study lying suggest that before anyone wants to tell a \”white lie\” to friends, relatives, and colleagues, it is best to carefully consider an issue involving psychological reactions, because it is very likely that the other party will return the lie. I feel that the long-term trust between you has been destroyed by you. So, stop taking those so-called “white lies” seriously. When a child starts telling white lies, perhaps what we should do is not support, but tell her that you can tell her true thoughts. For most people, the truth is not scary. What is scary is that the moment the lie is exposed, we lose the courage to face the truth.