alert! Three pitfalls in adolescent education for girls and boys

I have always wanted to write about three pitfalls that parents often fall into when communicating with adolescent children. These three pitfalls are very common in life. Almost every family will encounter one or two, and many parents even think that this is educating their children. However, the more parents do these three things, the further they push their children. So when the child closes his heart and has nothing to say to us, we don’t know what happened. Don\’t turn education into a competition for adolescent children, who are psychologically fragile. The so-called brittle means that it looks very hard, but lacks toughness. It is easy to snap when broken by external force. It is said that it is better to break than to bend. Therefore, when dealing with adolescent children, try to avoid developing the conflict to the point of \”you must do something\”, where you have to do it and are in a stalemate. At this time, the so-called education has become a battle of will and self-esteem. Once a stalemate occurs, only one person can compromise. But adults tend to be righteous or in a state of emotion and will not compromise. But asking a child to compromise means giving up his dignity for him. Adolescent children take self-esteem very seriously, and when they can\’t swallow it, they can easily act impulsively in a moment. One mother said that because her children were always playing with their mobile phones, which affected their studies, she finally broke out and yelled at her children to hand over their mobile phones. The kids just won’t pay it forward. The two of them were in a stalemate, and my mother was so angry that she wanted to take the phone away and smash it to pieces. The mother said that at that moment, she suddenly understood why those angry parents smashed their mobile phones to pieces, and she also understood to some extent the children who turned around and jumped off the building because their parents threw their mobile phones. Because once they reach the point where they are facing each other, both adults and children will have a narrow perspective, their thinking will become extreme, their emotions will be out of control, and it will be easy to act impulsively. Especially for adolescent children, the prefrontal lobe of the brain that controls intelligence has not yet fully matured, so they are more likely to do whatever they want regardless of the consequences. Or, the child finally succumbs to the authority of his parents, but also gives up some of his self-esteem. Parents seem to be winning, but they are actually losing more. Therefore, try not to compete with adolescent children, leave room for your children, and give yourself room to maneuver. It is necessary to stop the conflict in time before it escalates further. Because when education becomes a competition, both sides often lose. Duel? Don’t compete with adolescent children. Download the high-definition scanned PDF version. Don’t regard derogatory remarks as criticism of adolescent children. Their self-awareness is developing rapidly and their self-identity is forming. This shows that they have particularly strong self-esteem. You can criticize your children, even criticize them severely – as long as what you say is the truth, your children will be convinced in their hearts even if you don\’t say it. However, if you rise from the level of facts to the level of personality, from criticism to derogation, it will instantly arouse the child\’s oppositional emotions, and all the thorns in the body will stand up. At this time, no matter how correct the facts you say are, the child cannot listen and his self-esteem is hurt. In shame and anger, you will either fight or be completely ruined. Words like this must not come out of your mouth: With you like this, what else can you do in the future? How could I have given birth to such a waste like you! After passing the test like this, you still have the nerve to eat? There is oneA junior high school boy was doing Chinese homework in his secondary class and was discovered by his teacher. The teacher said in front of the whole class: \”What\’s the use of studying well? If you don\’t take minor subjects well, you won\’t be a test machine.\” This incident was originally the boy\’s fault, but the teacher\’s words made the boy feel very ashamed and angry, and he became a I particularly dislike this teacher, and she also dislikes this class. She uses all kinds of non-violent disobedience in her class. We criticize children so that they can correct their mistakes and become better. But once a child is stimulated in a derogatory way, this is no longer education, but a disguised way of venting one\’s emotions. People with more inner knots are more likely to belittle their children. If you can\’t educate your children in a matter-of-fact way, then you should first cultivate yourself and then your children. Less nagging, less preaching, and avoid over-limit effects. Remember that anecdote from Mark Twain? Mark Twain went to church to listen to the pastor\’s speech. He found that the pastor\’s words were very touching and touching, and he secretly decided to donate money to the church. After listening for more than ten minutes, he found that the same words were repeated over and over again, which made him a little annoyed, so he decided to donate only a small amount of change. After more than ten minutes, the pastor was still talking about it. Mark Twain couldn\’t bear it and decided not to donate a penny. When the pastor finally finished his lengthy speech, he not only refused to donate the money, but angrily stole two dollars from the plate. This is the \”over-limit effect\” in psychology: extreme impatience or rebellious psychology caused by too much stimulation, too strong, or too long an effect. When communicating with adolescent children, parents must pay attention to this and try to avoid nagging as much as possible, otherwise it will easily produce an over-limit effect – if a child can perfunctoryly say \”Okay, okay, I got it\”, it is considered to be patient. . A more hard-core person would slam the door to express his impatience and uncooperation. If you don’t nag, what should you do? The so-called nagging is mostly a mixture of reasoning, urging, blaming, and complaining. Let’s look at them one by one. First of all, principles need to be talked about, but less general principles should be talked about. It is best to get to the point in one or two sentences. What makes a child listen is not how much you say, but the words that touch your heart, which will plant a seed in his heart. Secondly, when asking children to do things, instead of nagging them over and over again, it is better to give simple and clear instructions. Chengzi doesn\’t like brushing his teeth. I\’ve nagged him a few times before, but I found it annoying myself. Now, I will just give you a simple reminder: Go brush your teeth and go to bed after brushing your teeth. Sometimes Cheng Zi wants to get away with it, but I just say: No, just brush your teeth. The tone is calm and emotionless. Don’t talk about the disadvantages of not brushing your teeth, don’t say “You are so old and haven’t even developed basic hygiene habits”, he understands all this – in this case, tell him simply and clearly what to do. The simpler the language, the more powerful it is. Finally, there is a veiled attack hidden in the nagging. If you experience it carefully, you will find that nagging often hides the emotion of accusation and complaint. If you keep nagging, you are venting your emotions and expressing your aggression. To reduce nagging, you must consciously control the urge to vent your emotions. If you feel anything, you can tell your child directly: I am angry/worried when you do this, and how I feel. Telling one\’s feelings is more effective than attacking the other person in subtle ways by nagging.can achieve the purpose of communication. In a word: speak less and speak to the point. Found it? These three pitfalls, whether they are derogatory, confrontational or nagging, all have instinctive impulses at work – follow your own temperament and follow your own impulses. Educating children based on instinct and assumptions will result in nothing but feathers. Only by being more aware, introspecting more, climbing the mountain of wisdom, and looking far ahead can we avoid the pitfalls of instinctive impulses.