Ask yourself this question often on the road to parenting, which can solve more than 95% of the pain and entanglements.

Almost every new mother likes to struggle. As the saying goes, caring leads to chaos. When facing the baby, every decision seems to be very difficult: The baby has a cold and is very uncomfortable. Should I go to the hospital? When the baby cries for no apparent reason, should you hold it or not, feed it or not? My baby is too sleepy and is too tortured. Should I do some sleep training? If your baby behaves badly in public, do you want to teach him a lesson? …Every mother can come up with a list of this kind of problem that spreads to the horizon. As a mother, you are at war with nature and man almost every day, and you are in a dilemma. It seems that no matter what choice you choose, it seems to make sense, but it seems that none of them are right. Not to mention that there are unscientific opinions everywhere, and even books written by parenting experts have contradictory opinions. How can you ensure that you make the best choice for your baby? It seems like an impossible task, but the answer is very simple. It lies in your heart. That is to ask yourself: Did you make this decision out of love for your baby or out of your current feelings? Various emotions? Because various literary and artistic works make \”maternal love\” too sensational, we often mistakenly think that \”strong emotions\” are \”love\”. The baby has a cold, fever and cough. It\’s very hard. You are as anxious as an ant on a hot pot. Will it turn into pneumonia? Will it burn out your brain? Will there be any sequelae if I cough too much? This feeling is not called love, this is called anxiety. Your baby is crying for no apparent reason. While you are hesitating about what to do, you feel heartbroken when you hear the crying. You feel that you are not a good mother for letting your baby cry so miserably. This feeling is not called love, this is called guilt. The baby stayed awake for a long time without help, and my arms were numb from holding him. I really wanted to throw him out of the window. I thought to myself, should I just let go and do some sleep training? Whenever I cry, I would treat it as a lung capacity exercise. This feeling is not called love, this is called anger. When your baby cries and acts uncooperative in public, passers-by look askance at you, and you feel like you are being criticized. Although you know that your baby is crying and acting uncooperative, you begin to wonder whether you should fix the baby properly! This feeling is not called love, this is called shame. The feeling of love will only make you feel calm, calm, warm, and satisfied. It will never make you feel restless, like a light on your back, and panic all day long. When you feel like a boiling pot of oil inside, you are definitely not in love, but trapped in emotion. When you are swept away by emotions, all the energy is used up by the part of the brain that is responsible for emotions, and the rational brain is not working. At this time, all your behaviors are the product of emotional control. When the brain evolved something like \”emotion\”, humans were no different from animals. They lived a precarious life all day long. Emotions caused the body to secrete various related hormones, allowing people to quickly enter \”fight\” or \”flight\” state, such a reaction is conducive to better survival. Therefore, when you are controlled by emotions, your body is either \”fighting\” or \”escape\”, and all your actions will be done with excessive force, and no matter what you do, it will not be right. For example, when you are in an angry state and discipline your child, you will inevitably yell at him or hit him, even if you are forced to endure it.If you don\’t yell or hit, you will look ferocious and say a lot of hurtful things. This does not mean that the \”discipline\” itself is wrong, but that the state and method of your discipline are wrong. When you are angry, you are in an attack state. Since it is an attack , it will definitely hurt people. For another example, when you are in a guilty state, you will tend to satisfy all your children\’s requests. Of course, some of your children\’s requests are reasonable and some are unreasonable, but in a guilty state, you cannot think carefully and distinguish between these. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with \”satisfying your children\” per se, but because you are in the wrong state – you only want to satisfy your children so that you can get rid of this sad feeling. If you feel guilty and are running for your life, you must be disregarding your principles and abandoning your armor. Therefore, there is no right or wrong in the matter itself. When the child cries, should you hug it or not? In fact, it all makes sense. Sometimes, the child just wakes up from a light sleep and is a little irritable. In fact, it is not a big deal. He goes back to sleep after crying. It only disturbs him when he is picked up. But sometimes, the child really feels uncomfortable and needs his mother very much. , it will definitely not work without hugging. If you are in a rational state, you will first think about and judge why the child is crying, and then try according to your own judgment. During the trial, you will adjust the method according to the child\’s reaction, and you will eventually get it right. If you are in an emotional state, it is easy for you to interpret the child\’s cry as \”He must be blaming me!\” or \”He is just trying to tire me out!\”, and then make impulsive decisions, and then turn around and feel If you do something wrong, you will start to regret and make up for it, but the next time you get emotional, you will revert to your old ways. If you change things back and forth like this, you will be a slave to your emotions and you will be completely unable to form a principled and systematic parenting for your children. There are many styles of parenting, and different methods are suitable for different children. But as long as it is a carefully considered decision and you can maintain the greatest degree of rationality during the operation, you will definitely do it right. In the same way, if your child is sick, you can go to the hospital or not, as long as the decision is based on your observation of the condition over a period of time and not because of anxiety or fear. If your baby doesn\’t sleep well, it\’s okay to train, but you need to be prepared with all kinds of knowledge, psychological construction, and good communication with your family, because impulsive training is definitely wrong and you won\’t be able to stick to it. If your child makes a mistake, you can use \”positive discipline\” without punishment. Of course you can punish, and even corporal punishment is not necessarily impossible (it\’s just that corporal punishment has great side effects), but everything must be done in a loving atmosphere so that the child can feel \”Mom loves you\” , I just cannot accept your behavior.\” Discipline is to make children better, not to \”find face\” or \”vent anger.\” So, since having emotions is not the right state, how can we avoid having emotions? Of course, everyone has emotions. What you need to do is not to make decisions when you are emotional. But this matter is still easier said than done. Just like drunk people always say that they are not drunk. The more emotional people are, the more they insist that they have no emotions and are very rational. They can even find many, many ways to do it. Reasons to support your decision. So, the first thing to doEmotion is to perceive one\’s own state. As long as one realizes that one\’s state is not right, half of the emotion will be resolved immediately. Therefore, develop a habit. Whenever you are entangled in something and are in a dilemma, don\’t think about the problem itself first. Instead, close your eyes and feel the state of your body: feel whether your heart is beating very fast. sharp? Do you feel a dull ache in your stomach? Do your neck and shoulders feel stiff? Is your whole body tense and strained? As long as you can feel that any part of your body is uncomfortable or unrelaxed, it means that your state is not right. At this time, even if you feel that you are in a hurry and a disaster is imminent, you must not make a decision, let alone act in a hurry. As the saying goes, sharpening the knife does not waste time chopping wood. First find a way to give yourself a relatively independent space (if the baby cries, you have to let him cry first and try to ignore him…), take a deep breath, empty your mind, think about nothing, and focus on Focus on a meaningless thing, such as pinching a ball, picking your fingers, playing with hair, etc. Wait for the time to pass slowly, about 5-10 minutes is enough. When you feel that you are more relaxed and less irritable, think about it again and Deal with it. If possible, a long hug from a loved one or listening to your favorite music will greatly accelerate the process of emotional resolution. When you are emotionally charged, you will always feel like you are cornered and have no other choice. When rationality returns, your past experiences and the knowledge you have learned will come into play, and you will realize that there are actually many ways to deal with this matter. As the saying goes, \”There is no way out when there is no road, but there is another village with dark flowers and bright flowers.\” This is the feeling. Before giving birth to her baby, Chengzi was a Buddhist girl. She was not anxious about anything, rarely irritated or angry, and never struggled with anything. She always performed better in exams than usual. She always felt that her personality and mentality were great! Unexpectedly, the birth of a little baby was the ultimate test of human nature, turning a Buddhist girl into an irritable aunt, breaking down at every turn, feeling out of control all day long, and raising her voice an octave when speaking… Later I analyzed After a while, why do I feel that my temperament has changed drastically? It’s because my life before was not very stressful and there were relatively few problems that caused emotions. Even if I have emotions, there is more room for resolution. After all, what is the point of going out and masturbating? What if a string can\’t be solved? But it\’s different when you have children. There\’s a lot of pressure, a lot of emotions, and little personal space, so you can\’t let your emotions dissipate naturally like before. Therefore, as mothers of children, we must practice deliberately, be aware of our emotions at all times, and resolve them efficiently, so that our rational self can stay online longer and have the strength to do more correct things. Raise your children with love, not with emotions! Let’s work hard together!