Become a child who won’t grow up? Parents interfere too much, clap too little, and let go too late

In court, there are always enemies. But recently, a ridiculous \”strange case\” occurred in the New York State Supreme Court in the United States: a pair of parents sued their 30-year-old son. What\’s going on? It turns out that the 30-year-old son Michael has been living at home for eight years. In the past few months, the Rotondos have written many times asking him to leave their residence and become self-reliant, but their son refused. The Rotondos decided to pay $1,100 for their son\’s rent and gave him a lot of life advice, but to no avail. After many attempts at \”eviction\” failed, the Rotondos had no choice but to take their son to court and entrust the court to take coercive measures. It is rare for parents to sue their children, but it is no longer uncommon for children to nibble on the elderly, have giant babies, and take a long time to grow up. What happened to the child? What\’s wrong with our education? Parents \”meddle\” too much, and children cannot learn to be independent. A 9-year-old child cannot tie his shoelaces; a 12-year-old child dare not cross the road alone; a 15-year-old boy asks his grandma to give him a bath… News like this comes out every once in a while. It will come out. In Chinese families, parental love has never been a scarce commodity, but excessive attention and help are readily available. According to incomplete data, about one-third of urban families pay too much attention to their children. In other words, there are at least 30 million children who are receiving excessive attention. Psychologist Dr. Judith Locke, author of \”The Bonsai Child\”, made similar findings in clinical treatment: parents are becoming more and more involved in their children\’s lives, resulting in children having no opportunity to learn. How to be an adult. In \”Beijing Women\’s Illustrated Book\”, He Zhi can\’t even peel an apple. The more parents intervene, the less their children learn. vice versa. In the sixth issue of \”Mom is Superman 3\”, Bibi and his father went out to buy ice cream and saw the \”Little Store Manager Experience Camp\” activity in a convenience store, and his father immediately decided to sign up. They wanted their children to experience life, but they were worried about it. When they got home, Xiu Jiekai and Alyssa Chia immediately took Bubba to do rehearsal exercises. Because of tomorrow’s experience activities, parents can only watch and cannot interfere. Once in the store, Bubba had to face many challenges alone. Alyssa was very worried when she was separated from her mother. But soon, Bubba got into the mood, resisted the temptation of tasting products, and led customers to find the products. Clean tables and chairs and clean up ice cream that guests accidentally dropped on the floor. Welcoming guests, cashiering, and handling various emergencies, Biao Biao performed very well. Seeing their children \”working\” so seriously and carefully, Alyssa Chia and her friends were filled with emotion – it turned out that the children could do well without the help of their parents, and they felt gratified and mixed with emotions. Children\’s abilities are beyond our imagination, they just lack the opportunity to transform. Anji and Xiao Yu\’er\’s ability and independence are obvious to everyone, while their \”Super Mom\” ​​Hu Ke is known for her wisdom. Her words once hit the pain points of many parents: On the one hand, parents encourage their children to grow independently, and on the other hand, they enjoy their children\’s dependence on themselves. Can their children make progress? Tolstoy said: \”If a person knows how to work and how toTo love, then he will have a wonderful life. \”Teaching children how to work and how to love, parents cannot be absent, let alone offside, because the growth of children is the responsibility of parents, and it is the subject of the child\’s life. Parents \”clap\” too little, and children cannot find confidence. The latest chapter In the issue of \”Thirteen Invitations\”, Xu Zhiyuan talked to director Jiang Wen. He asked Jiang Wen: \”Have you had any failures in your life? \”Jiang Wen said: \”Yes, my relationship with my mother has never been good. \”He said that when he was admitted to the Chinese Opera, he showed the notice to his mother. \”She looked at it and threw it aside, saying that your basin of clothes was not washed.\” After he became famous, he bought a big house for his mother. , I didn’t think she was very happy, and she didn’t even go to live there. When talking about this issue, this talent in the film industry was silent for several times, “I don’t know how to make her happy when she sees what I do.” \”I love you so much that I can\’t express it\” is a common problem in many families in China. It\’s not that parents don\’t know how to praise their children, but compared to serious teaching and harsh criticism, there is still too little praise and affirmation. At the beginning of the year, a 15-year-old junior high school student in Nanchang Three boys committed suicide by jumping off a building. The father was so grieved that on his son\’s first seventh day, he actually chose the same way to end his life. Neighbors said that the boy\’s grades had always been good and the family\’s relationship was also very good. The police revealed, \” The boy’s father criticized him for not doing very well in studies. The boy didn’t say a word in the past few days. He speculated that the boy might have chosen to jump off the building due to excessive academic pressure. “I have brought a lot of laughter to this world, but I can’t Bring joy to yourself. \”The boy wrote in his suicide note. A child who cannot feel happiness, no matter how good he is, is just a clown. And a child\’s happiness is so simple, and often only requires a praise, an affirmation, and an approving smile from his parents. Shang Xiuyun is The famous judge of the \”Juvenile Court\” of the People\’s Court of Haidian District, Beijing, was affectionately called \”Mama Shang\” by juvenile detainees. Once when chatting with a friend, she said: \”Although I have encouraged many juvenile delinquents, I have never praised my own son. . \”Friends said that one should not be stingy with encouragement for one\’s own children. Shang Xiuyun was determined to make changes. One day, when his son came home from Shanghai, Shang Xiuyun was overjoyed and said sincerely: \”Having a son is different! You see, the refrigerator you bought is good. I think of you as soon as I open the refrigerator. It’s great to have a son! \”Unexpectedly, after hearing these words, my son\’s eyes lit up, as if he had received unprecedented praise: \”Mom, please say what you just said again! Shang Xiuyun told it again, and his son immediately said: \”Mom, wait!\” I’ll carry another electrical appliance back for you to take a look at! \”American psychologist James said that the deepest quality in human nature is the desire to be appreciated. \”Those who appreciate have morning glow, dewdrops and flowers that bloom all year round in their hearts, while those who ignore them will have their hearts frozen, the world will be exhausted, and the mountains will be barren.\” , sincerely applauding their children, they must be confident and calm parents, cultivating their children\’s lifelong self-confidence and responsibility. If parents \”let go\” too late, their children will not learn to be independent. For parents, what is more difficult than giving is to quit. .During a recruitment process, the HR of an engineering group discovered a good candidate. The applicant was a graduate of 985 University and went to large-scale construction projects every year.Corporate internship. He successfully passed the preliminary and re-examinations, the company decided to hire him on the spot, and the two parties signed an employment agreement. A few days later, something unexpected happened to HR: the applicant’s father suddenly came and said that his son was not coming! The reason is that parents feel that the job is too hard and are afraid that their children will not be able to bear it, so they let their children take the postgraduate entrance examination. Many parents love their children so much and are reluctant to let them go because they are unwilling to let their children endure the pain of growing up and do not want to see their children take one more detour. When children go to school, they help carry school bags and help with homework; when children apply for majors, parents research which industry is the most popular; when children are looking for jobs, they are always worried that their children will suffer and get involved; when it is time for children to get married, they try every means to arrange blind dates…often until parents finally realize When it\’s time to let go, the child has missed too many opportunities to learn independence. Lin Qingxuan wrote an essay \”Mahogany\”. The story is simple but meaningful: Someone planted a few mahogany trees, but the tree planter was very \”lazy\” and he watered irregularly. Sometimes every three or five days, Sometimes it only comes once every ten days; the amount of watering is also not certain, sometimes more, sometimes less. Lin Qingxuan always felt uneasy when he passed the dying mahogany trees every day, so he found an opportunity to ask the tree grower. The tree planter said: \”If you water the mahogany tree regularly and rationed, the sapling will develop a dependence, and the roots will float on the surface and cannot go deep into the ground. Once the watering stops or there is a violent storm, it will not survive. \”I watered just to imitate the rain, and it is impossible to predict whether it will rain. A tree that finds a source of water in the midst of uncertainty and desperately takes root will have no problem growing into a century-old tree.\” Later, the tree planter It won\’t come again, and the mahogany tree won\’t wither. It\’s not just trees, it\’s the same for people – you have to let go in time so that you can grow vigorously. Feng Zikai had seven children. He clearly made a \”covenant\” with his children: 1. Parents will provide for their children until they graduate from college. 2. Children have to take care of everything themselves when it comes to marriage, and parents have no obligation to make arrangements for them. 3. Children who have enough money to support their parents, or parents who have enough money to provide for their children, are both in the nature of friendship and are by no means obligated. 4. After children become independent, the principle is to separate from their parents… Feng Zikai believes that after children become independent, there will no longer be any obligations between parents and children, only friendship. Resigning from \”parents\” to \”friends\” may seem like an understatement, but in fact it requires more tenderness and determination. The child may falter and stumble, but after passing through thorns and fog, he will eventually become a strong warrior with a free, independent, and sound personality. And isn’t this the ultimate purpose of raising a life?