Complaining is the poison that hurts children the most

A mother talked about her interaction with her son: she was sad and blamed herself. The 7-year-old son Tongtong said to his mother seriously one day: \”Mom, why did you and your father choose to give birth to me? If it weren\’t for me, you would just take care of your father. Now you have to get up early every day to take me to school.\” , cook for me, and work harder to earn money and pay my tuition.\” The mother was startled after hearing her son\’s words. She had never thought that in her son\’s heart, he was a superfluous existence. So, he quickly said to Tongtong, \”Mom and dad gave birth to you because they loved you.\” Tears instantly filled his son\’s smart eyes, and he said, \”But mom, I feel that after you gave birth to me, you will not be able to live well.\” It’s not good at all. You have to get up early every day and send me to school on time. You can’t sleep in all year round and you have to send me to piano class. Sometimes you have to quarrel with my father over who sends me, and you have to accompany me when you get home. I do my homework. If it weren\’t for me, you and your father would have had a very easy and good life!\” This time, it was my mother\’s turn to cry. It goes without saying that my son has such thoughts at such a young age. It goes without saying that he is derelict in his duty as a parent. The mother said: \”I know my problem is that I like to nag. Sometimes I am under great pressure at work and my children are disobedient, so I will inevitably complain to my son. The original intention was to urge my son to study hard, but unexpectedly, he remembered everything In his heart, he never expected that his son would interpret him as \’You shouldn\’t have given birth to me\’.\” Tongtong is sensitive, but fortunately he knows how to express himself and tell his mother his worries and true thoughts. However, most children silently keep this complaint in their hearts. \”The house I just tidied up is messed up again. Do you know how hard it is to tidy up the room every day?\” \”You can\’t even wash a sock. Stop moving. I\’ll do it!\” \”Mom, how much did it cost? Money will give you tutoring classes, you know? Can you cherish it a little bit!\”… Source: \”The Boy in Striped Pajamas\” Probably every one of us has heard these voices, or has told them to our children. However, have we ever seriously thought about what these complaints have brought to us and what they will bring to our children? I think of another mother who gave birth to her first child at the age of 39. Her mother-in-law urged her again and again, but she remained unmoved. Fortunately, her husband understood and always stood by her side. When asked why, she said: \”In those years, I had to work hard for my career. I was a greedy person. I wanted a career and a family, so I had to arrange my time properly. Before the age of 38, work hard on your career; after 38, Give birth to a child and take care of him wholeheartedly.\” Because she had made a clear plan before, after her daughter was born, she reduced her workload and stayed with her child attentively. She was responsible for picking up and dropping off her child in kindergarten every day and never complained. Other mothers asked her: \”Why do you always come to pick up the children, where\’s the father?\” After hearing this, most mothers would definitely feel aggrieved and complain, but she answered lightly: \”Every day when you pick up your children from school, This is our very happy mother-daughter time, why should we leave such a good thing to our father?\” But she does not take over everything. She shoulders everything on her own shoulders. After her daughter goes to elementary school, all the people who accompany her to do homework time, all completed by my father’s accompaniment. Every day, she takes her children to and from school and makes dinner. After dinner, she reads while her husband washes the dishes. The family has a clear division of labor and enjoys themselves happily. Many mothers heard that she had two hours of unbeatable reading time every day, and they were envious and jealous: \”You are a mother, how come you have so much reading time?\” Her answer was: \”I have been reading for more than ten years. It is a habit that you want to do from the bottom of your heart.\” When talking about her parenting experience, this mother said: \”Actually, you can choose to do many things, or you can choose not to do them. If you do them, you must do them from your own heart. Do what you want to do in your heart. In this way, you will not be wronged or complain; if you really don’t want to do it, just don’t do it. What you are most afraid of is that you have done everything but keep complaining. If you are unhappy, your family, The children are not happy either.\” I really like and approve of this mother\’s parenting philosophy – if you like it, do it happily, if you don\’t like it, just don\’t do it. It\’s neither entangled nor awkward, but it guarantees a happy life. family atmosphere. In my eyes, my parents\’ complaints may be just like Tongtong\’s mother, just \”nagging\” a few words out of exhaustion, or even just hoping to urge their children to be obedient, study hard, and live up to their parents\’ hard work. Little tricks\”. But the child will not understand so much. He will instinctively understand that his parents are unhappy, and he is unhappy because he has not done well enough. For children who are sensitive by nature, they may even feel like Tongtong that they should not be in this world at all. In addition, no matter who of the parents is complaining, the other half will definitely be dissatisfied. In this way, a verbal quarrel in the family is inevitable. After the quarrel, the parents will be a lot less concerned about their children. patience. In this way, parents\’ moods are up and down, and they are hot and cold towards their children, which will lead to confusion and confusion in the children. \”Why do my parents like me now and not like me now? Is there something I haven\’t done well enough?\” In this kind of disagreement, Children who grow up in a stable family environment will be particularly sensitive to changes in their parents\’ emotions, and they will also try to figure out their parents\’ thoughts and work hard to do things that make their parents happy. The children who should be the most concerned and cared for in the family, in order to maintain a good atmosphere in the family, have in turn learned to take care of their parents\’ emotions. We all know that family is the first template for children. When a child learns to understand the emotions of his parents in the family and strives to do things that make his parents happy, when he goes out into the society, he will instinctively understand the feelings of the people around him. Doing things that satisfy others can easily lead to a pleasing personality. Finally, here are some suggestions for parents who can’t help but complain. Learn to establish your own boundaries. Psychological boundaries, also called personal boundaries, are the boundaries we establish for ourselves where we can get along comfortably with the outside world. Within the boundaries are behaviors that you like, accept, and are allowed; outside the boundaries are behaviors that you need to say \”no\” and resolutely resist. This very important boundary in interpersonal communication is equally important in the handling of family relationships. Parents should know very clearly what they are comfortable doing,And what you do will make you impatient and lose your temper. If neither parent likes to clean the room, you can discuss whether you can ask the cleaning lady to clean it; if the mother is really not a \”morning person\”, whether the \”father\” can take on the task of sending the children to school in the morning. In short, parents should be very clear about what aspects they are willing to take on and what aspects they are not willing to take on. With this boundary in place, it can be negotiated to share family responsibilities in a way that both parties are relatively comfortable with. For the parts that no one is willing to bear, we can also discuss and solve them through external assistance. The most undesirable thing is to think that \”you should do more and sacrifice more for your family\” even though you clearly don\’t want to do it. Over time, it is inevitable to accumulate resentment and complain while working, which in turn affects the atmosphere of the family. Learn to turn your family into your own \”allies.\” In the latest issue of \”Women Have Something to Say,\” Hu Ke taught his parenting experience to Xi Mengyao and Xie Yilin: \”As a mother, you must learn to show weakness, not only to your husband. , you should also show weakness to your son. When you are weak, he will become stronger, especially boys, who will become very manly.\” A family is not just the father\’s, not just the mother\’s, everyone\’s You must learn to turn your family into your allies. When family members directly support and help each other, it is easier to create a warmer and more intimate atmosphere. Source: \”The Primitives\” Learn to use \”expressing needs\” instead of \”complaining\”. In fact, the essence of complaining is that many inner needs have not been met. If you hope that the other party will pay more attention to your needs, you might as well express your needs directly. If you want your child to consciously put away toys after playing with them instead of scattering them on the floor, just tell your son: \”Put away the toys after playing with them.\” If the child doesn\’t realize it at first, you can help him put it away together. Gradually, he will develop this habit instead of complaining every time: \”Why are the toys all over the floor again?\” This will arouse the child\’s anger. Reverse psychology. While expressing needs, provide certain encouragement and praise, and the other party will be more willing to do such things, and the results will be better. Complaining is never the best way to solve a problem. In a family, there is no need to stick to what is done and what is not done, because no matter what you do, nothing is more important than ensuring a happy and happy atmosphere in the family.