How to face your own anxiety disorder and don’t ruin your child’s life

The day before the Nanjing high school entrance examination results were released. Many parents and students of No. 1 Middle School received an extremely vivid and shocking life lesson under the leadership of their head teacher. The person in class was none other than Mr. Huang, a special English teacher. In class, Teacher Huang showed a slideshow containing a photo of a girl growing up from early childhood to college. Until the photo of the girl sleeping peacefully in a white coffin in a foreign country came out, everyone was immediately stunned. \”This is my daughter\’s life. Today I will use her story to tell the children and parents here how to cherish life.\” After saying this, Teacher Huang burst into tears. It turns out that two years ago, Teacher Huang\’s biological daughter, who was studying in the Netherlands, chose the most decisive way to pass away in a foreign country. She was only 20 years old. Upon hearing the news that her daughter had committed suicide, Teacher Huang was so distraught that she almost cried out her tears. In the eyes of Teacher Huang, her daughter has been synonymous with the word \”excellent\” since she was a child, and she is even so excellent that she is almost perfect. Not only did she have excellent grades and was awarded the title of \”Three Outstanding Students\” at the provincial level, but she was also the main player of the school basketball team in middle school. She was also keen on music, and her playing skills were very good on both the flute and drums. After reading this, you may have the same question as me, why would such an outstanding and independent girl choose to commit suicide? It wasn\’t until we saw the three suicide notes she left that we understood the reason. The best way to get rid of anxiety attacks? Chen Mo’s 40 lessons on how to be a non-anxious parent are completed. The first suicide note she left was for her parents. In her suicide note, she confessed: She has been suffering from inner illness for 8 years and is suffering unspeakably. \”I\’m really tired. I\’ve been trying to calm down my collapsed soul for 8 years, but when it collapses again, I can\’t do anything…\” \”8 years of OCD, more loneliness and melancholy, falling again and again. Then I struggled hard, and this time, I couldn\’t struggle anymore…\” Her handwriting was elegant, but behind every word, there seemed to be a sigh that revealed deep despair and pain. When the mother opened her daughter\’s computer, she was surprised to find that there were two things filled with her daughter\’s browsing history: one was an introduction to various suicide methods on the Internet, and the other was knowledge related to mental illness. In addition, almost Can\’t find any more. This shows that the daughter’s decision to commit suicide was not an impulsive decision, but a decision made after a long period of pain. In her suicide note to the police, her daughter only left one sentence: \”Please don\’t save me.\” You can\’t imagine how desperate a 20-year-old girl must be to calmly leave such a decisive message to the police. Discourse. The mother was extremely remorseful when she read her suicide note. She recalled every moment of getting along with her daughter and found that there were already signs of her daughter\’s illness and pain, but she was not aware of it. What she cares about is always whether her daughter\’s grades are ideal, whether she is making progress in her studies, and whether she is getting along well with her classmates. The tragedy of her daughter\’s death made Teacher Huang heartbroken, and her educational philosophy completely changed. She began to pay attention to the mental status of her students and looked forThey talked to each other, relieved their stress, and accompanied them to vent their frustrations. They also began to instill in parents the concept of not focusing too much on scores when evaluating their children. She wanted to integrate all her regrets and insights into that life education class to save more families. She wants to use her story of blood and tears to teach those parents a vivid and valuable life education lesson. This is a real case described in the \”Nightline\” column of CCTV\’s \”Society and Law\” channel. The tragedy of Teacher Huang and Yuan Yuan, a mother and daughter, is never an exception. In the \”2022 National Mental Health Blue Book\” released by the People\’s Daily, there is a set of alarming data. Among those suffering from depression, 50% are school students, and 32.4% of patients with depression are under the age of 18. Xu Kaiwen, a professor of psychology at Peking University, wrote an article \”Peking University Psychiatrist: The babies you used to use anxiety chickens ended up being sent to me.\” It was very shocking. Because parents pay too much attention to their children\’s academic performance, many children appear to be cheerful, optimistic, diligent and motivated, but we have no idea how broken they are inside. A boy in Jining, Shandong Province, had a conflict with his family because he \”failed to pass the exam\” and climbed up the guardrail on the roof of the building, preparing to commit suicide by jumping off the building. A senior high school student in Lanzhou left his mother with the last message: \”Don\’t be my mother in the next life, I\’m too tired…\” But the mother didn\’t notice the child\’s emotions and despair, but continued to put pressure on him. It ended up being the last straw for him. Almost all of the above children have one thing in common, that is, they have not had effective communication with their parents despite their unsatisfactory performance. However, their parents either quarreled with their children, or they only focused on their achievements and did not realize that their children were \”asking for help\” from them, which ultimately made them completely close the door to their hearts. We have many parents who care more about their children\’s academic performance than the children themselves. They only care about their children\’s academic performance, and everything is determined by their performance. However, this often ignores the inner feelings of children and makes them feel that they are just learning tools, worthless and meaningless. Even if they are admitted to a good university, they will feel that they are taking the exam for their parents. Once their lives are under heavy pressure or encounter any changes, they will easily embark on a tragic path. 2 How should we deal with our relationship with our children regarding grades? I think two points are important. The first is to pay attention to the child\’s emotions rather than the event itself. Psychologist Wang Jiqiong told such a story in a lecture. Once, his son, whose math scores had never been satisfactory, suddenly called him happily and asked his father to guess what score he had scored in the math test. If it were us, when we hear our children are so happy, how many points would we usually guess? I think most people would probably guess 100 points, or something like 90 points. But he didn\’t do this and deliberately underestimated. The first time he guessed, he only guessed 80 points. The child said it was wrong, so he added points from 81 to 82 bit by bit. It wasn\’t until the child became anxious and couldn\’t hold it in any longer that he proudlyI told my dad that I got 90 points in the exam and wanted to make my parents happy. Why do you do that? He said that if we guess a score that is too high at the beginning and the child does not reach it, he will be discouraged, his momentum and excitement will drop instantly, and he will feel that talking to his parents is meaningless. In the end, it will only discourage the child\’s enthusiasm. and a desire to share. The main purpose of doing this is to let the children know that dad cares more about your progress rather than the grades themselves. Later, after learning that his son had scored 90 points in the test, he praised his son. After receiving the praise, the child asked him again, Dad, are you happy? At this time, I believe most parents will immediately answer \”happy\”, but he said that this is not completely right. He said the standard answer should be: \”Dad is very happy to hear you, so dad is also very happy.\” Why is this? The meaning of this expression is that Dad is happy to see you, so Dad is also happy. Dad loves you, not your grades. To sum up, you should care more about your child\’s emotions than the results themselves. Many parents confuse the concepts of \”loving their children\” and \”loving their children\’s achievements\”, causing their children to be seriously hurt. A mother in Jiangsu forced her 12-year-old daughter to learn college English. If she didn\’t study hard, she took out a hot spatula and burned her whole body. How big will be the psychological shadow of this child? How should she treat her mother when she grows up? Parents like to say: \”I am doing this for your own good\”, \”You will understand later\”, \”Hitting means kissing and scolding means love\”, but children are not adults. They cannot see that far and cannot feel. What they need to live well is the present. . Then, the second point is also very important, that is, don\’t turn family ties into a bargaining chip for trading results. It’s still the story of the psychologist teacher Wang Jiqiong above. His child scored 90 points and did well in the exam, so he wanted to ask his father for some rewards and asked his father what he would reward himself. Teacher Wang quickly replied: Give your son a big hug as a reward. But the child felt that his father\’s hug was too weak and wanted some substantial rewards. He asked his father: he wanted his parents to take him to the mall to drink his favorite milk tea together. At this time, many parents may be thinking, isn’t it just a matter of drinking milk tea? You did so well in the exam, can I still agree to it? So I will agree immediately. But Teacher Wang said that this was wrong. His standard answer is: \”You are my son. If you drink milk tea, even if you don\’t do well in the exam, I will take you to drink it. This has nothing to do with the exam.\” In Teacher Wang\’s view, if you directly agree to let your child drink milk tea, If you ask for it, then in essence, your love for your child becomes a \”weight\” in exchange for grades. Over time, children will mistake rewards as goals, gradually become utilitarian, regard parents\’ \”rewards\” as the only ones, and thus ignore their parents\’ love. But let’s ask ourselves, if our children don’t do well in the exam, don’t they deserve to drink milk tea? Those children who have been making deals with their parents for a long time will feel that they deserve everything and thus ignore their parents\’ love. There is a boy in Huizhou, Guangdong. He originally agreed with his father that if he scored 650 points in the high school entrance examination, he would get it from his father.1000 RMB. However, when he heard that his son wanted to spend 1,000 yuan to buy a game console, his father immediately regretted it. As a result, the child quickly felt that he had been deceived, and immediately quarreled with his father, and even said many excessive words to his father. Also, the most serious consequence of using grades as a bargaining chip is that when children do not do well in exams and are in trouble, they can easily go astray because they feel that only if they do well in exams do they deserve the love of their parents. There is no value. Finally, Teacher Wang said something very well: \”I would rather have a son who has a conscience, loves life, and respects life than a son who ranks first in the exam but has no love for his parents.\” I deeply agree. Raising and educating children is like teaching them to ride a bicycle. They need to feel, experience, and get hurt by themselves. Parents only need to gently help them set the right direction and let go in time. If they are angry, yelling, pointing, and imposing their wishes on their children, then the children are destined to stumble along the way. In this world, the extraordinary is accidental, and the ordinary is inevitable. As a parent, the most important thing is to accept the ordinaryness of your child and not let your own anxiety ruin your child\’s life. There is a Turkish proverb: \”God prepares a twig for every stupid bird.\” We all move in our own time zone, and your child is not lagging behind others.