• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

How to say no to your child’s excessive demands


Oct 1, 2023

As children grow up, they have more and more requests every day. When they see something they like, they always want to buy it. They always want to watch more cartoons, play more games, eat more candies, and sleep. I want my mother to accompany me… I have endless demands every day, which makes me collapse. Faced with children\’s excessive demands, parents know how to say no and stick to the bottom line. No matter how much the children cry, they cannot give in. Download the most comprehensive children\’s version of the Disciple\’s Regulations read aloud in mp3 format. Although the principle is understood, it is difficult to do it in reality. Because we have a lot of work, housework and other things to do every day, we are too tired. We often don’t have the strength to reject the child, nor do we have the courage to face his emotional rebound. The naughty child will make a fuss when he thinks that he doesn’t say a word. When you play, your brain starts to hurt. God, it\’s so scary. To hell with principles and upbringing, I just want to take a break, be quiet, let myself go, and let the children go. The result is that your child\’s request has clearly challenged the bottom line, and you are already cursing in your heart, but you still compromise with your child in some strange way: OK, OK, take a look, buy, buy, buy, little ancestor, I really owe you! This leads to the child constantly making excessive demands, because he calculates very clearly: Even if my mother can reject me once or twice, or even scold me once or twice, as long as I make trouble a few more times, her willpower will always collapse. Finally, he had no choice but to follow mine. Especially children with strong personalities and bad tempers who focus on fighting adults every day. Once they collapse, it will take an hour to return to normal. Although parents seem to be strong, because they have to take care of too many things every day, it is inevitable that they will lose in this tug-of-war of willpower and be led by the nose by naughty children. Is there any way to get out of this endless cycle so that children can be more sensible and stop being busy arguing with adults all day long and negotiating conditions? Of course there is a way, and it is very simple, six words: strengthen system construction. It can also be a simpler three-word \”set the rules.\” This sounds a bit cliché, but the rules I am talking about here do not only refer to the rules \”imposed by external forces\” by adults, but mainly refer to the rules \”internalized\” by children. To use a very simple analogy, when you walk into a supermarket, even if there is no surveillance, you will not think of stealing anything. This is not only because you may be caught for stealing, but because the moral sense in your heart tells you: Stealing is a very shameful and bad thing. I am a kind and upright person, and I will not do such a thing. Therefore, when you have a moral sense that \”stealing is shameful\”, you will be less likely to steal. Even if someone forces you to steal, you will have a psychological disorder. This is the effect of inner system construction: people can\’t help but restrain themselves, and they don\’t want to break the rules at all. The same goes for \”setting rules\” with your children. Whether you reward your children or punish them, it is all imposed on your children by \”external forces\”. If the child has not established a system in his heart and does not understand why he cannot do this, then your orders are just a rope to him, and he will only think of various ways to break free. And once a child is committed to working against you seriously every day, he is busyAnd tired parents most likely won’t be able to hold on. Therefore, if you want your child to stop challenging the bottom line of principles, the core issue is not how to stop him or punish him, but to establish rules in his heart and let him know that what he is doing is wrong, so that he does not want to go too far. This is the way to draw out the firepower. How to establish rules in children\’s hearts? There are roughly three main points: 1. Develop a system based on objective standards. I once said that the worst and ineffective form of discipline is emotional discipline. In other words, there are no specific rules for whether a child can do something. It only depends on the adult\’s mood: if the mood is good, anything will do, but if he gets angry, it will definitely not work. This kind of discipline is based on \”human system\” rather than \”rule of law\”. It is impossible for children to have rules in their hearts. When they want to do something, they will not ask themselves whether it should be done, whether it is right or wrong, but will observe you. Face, guess the success rate of this matter. The more you use your emotions to discipline you and the more frequently you get angry, the better he will be able to grasp the rules. Soon he will figure out your mood under any circumstances, and he will become better and better at taking advantage of your weak willpower. For example, some children act like monsters as soon as they go out, because they know that their parents are too proud to let them wallow in public, so it is very easy for them to satisfy their demands. Therefore, we must develop a system based on \”objectivity\”, which means that this system will not change due to one\’s own mood. To give a few examples, go to bed at 9 o\’clock, watch electronic screens from 7:00 to 7:30 every day, buy toys only once a week, eat candy twice… Of course, you can adjust the specific details according to your own situation, but you must It is necessary to formulate such objective and specific institutional provisions. Instead of always relying on your own subjective will to guide your child\’s behavior, once your child makes a request, you will ponder it and consider it once. There is no objective system to limit it. Whether you agree or not will be largely affected by your mood, which makes it difficult. Stick to the bottom line. Therefore, our families need system construction: discuss the rules with the children (you decide before the age of 3, and after the age of 3, you can let the children participate in setting the rules together). In this process, the children can be fully informed of the reasons for doing this: do not sleep for a long time Not high, looking at screens for a long time will damage your eyes, always buying things is a waste, etc. After getting the child\’s approval, write them in words or draw them and stick them on the wall. Whenever your child makes excessive demands, you don’t need to dwell on it or scold him, just calmly remind him: There are rules in our family, remember? Don’t remember to look at that piece of paper? Mom, can I play with it for a while? No, because it’s almost nine o’clock. Mom, can I watch the iPad? No, because it’s not iPad time yet. Mom, can I buy that doll? Okay, take your pocket money. oh! It’s all spent! There\’s nothing we can do about it. What a pity~~~~Of course, such a rejection may make the child cry, and if the fuss is too severe, it will cause headaches and make it difficult to persist. So what should we do? Read on 2. Maintain the stability of the system Maintaining the stability of the system and making the system an objective existence rather than a subjective decision of the parents is the most important part of the successful internalization of the system. So if you want to be thoroughTo solve children\’s problems, please mobilize all resources within a period of time and use them to maintain the stability of a system. The results will be visible within a few days. For example, I feel that children’s procrastination in sleeping at night is a big problem and needs to be solved urgently. Then find a few days when you have more time and energy to focus on solving this problem. Of course, you must first prepare the ground with your child, read picture books and reason, so that he can agree with this system, and set a time for implementing the system with him, and remind him often. On the day when the system is officially implemented, you can indulge your child a little at other times, build a good relationship with your child, and make him happy and relaxed. You can accumulate strength yourself. When it’s time to go to bed at night, you can start to formally fight with your child. Note, this is not The angry fight is about using your willpower to compete with him calmly. What you are fighting for is patience: it’s time, it’s time to go to bed, do you want to go to the toilet and drink water now? If you don’t go, you won’t be able to go after going to bed. . Don\’t want to go? Then go to bed now! If you don’t want to go to bed, then the whole family turns off the lights. If you don’t go to bed, you don’t have to play. Not happy? Well, I understand, you still want to play, but you can\’t help it. It\’s time. Do you remember what we said? If you want to cry, just cry for a while, then go to bed after crying. If you don\’t want to lie on the bed, stand here in the corner and decide which position is more comfortable for you. We can no longer study or pick up toys. We have agreed to go to bed at this time. This is the rule we have set. Sorry! …In short, harden your heart, politely and gently, and refuse to the end! The first day is very important. As long as your child gives in this time, he will know that you are serious. Although he will struggle next time, it will definitely be much smoother. Keep at it and don\’t loosen the system, and it will become a habit within a week or two. From now on, he will never ask you to delay going to bed late again, because the system in his heart has been established. When a system is established relatively stably, you can start to establish the next system. 3. \”Patch\” the system in details. Of course, the implementation of the system cannot be too rigid and dogmatic. Sometimes it needs to be more flexible and loose, and special situations must be treated specially. Therefore, we also need to strengthen system construction, often provide detailed explanations to the main bodies of the system based on actual conditions, and fix all loopholes. To give a few examples: Although you have to go to bed at 9 o\’clock on weekdays, you can go to bed at 10 o\’clock during the New Year, holidays and the like, and you have to recover during school hours. Watch the iPad from 7:00-7:30 every day. If you watch more than a certain amount of time today, you will have to deduct the corresponding time tomorrow. In principle, you can only buy a toy once a week, but if you are interested in a relatively expensive big toy, you need to save for two weeks. In addition, you can ask for a big gift every year on your birthday. We can only eat candies twice a week. Today you ate a lot of candies at the children’s party, so tomorrow’s candy quota will be gone! … Of course, when making these “small patches”, you must also explain the reasons to your children so that they can understand why and how they are done, and they can also bargain to a certain extent. But after it’s agreed upon, we mustImplemented resolutely. If some systems are no longer appropriate as the children grow older, the children can also propose changes to certain systems, hold a meeting with their parents to discuss them, and then discuss some new regulations. The above is a general idea about the construction of family system. It is recommended that when the children are still young, they should pay close attention to the establishment of the family system! The system is relatively difficult when it is first established, and the bottom line will be frequently tested by naughty children. But as long as you persist, the children will internalize it and form a habit, and they will be very conscious and will no longer think about how to take advantage of loopholes every day. Taking advantage can also avoid the kind of tug-of-war between parents and children. With a system, raising children becomes easier and easier; without a system, raising children becomes more and more frustrating!

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