As for whether you can spank your children, before I had children, I would have categorically answered that you definitely cannot spank your children! But recently, facing Rooney who is in the second rebellious phase of his life, I really want to beat him up every day! He was dragging his feet in doing things, throwing toys everywhere, going back on things he agreed to do, crying and making a fuss after just saying a few words to him, throwing things around, and using all kinds of vicious words to attack you… Finally, he refused to go to school that day. When he was still crying and making a fuss, I angrily picked up the folding fan next to him and spanked him twice hard! Every parent can find thousands of reasons when they spank their children: \”He is just too naughty and can\’t be controlled without spanking him!\” \”He was full of swear words at a young age, how can he still do it when he grows up?\” \”Why don\’t you spank him now?\” He will be beaten in the future!\”… Is it really useful to hit children? That day, after beating Rooney, he said a few words that still make my skin crawl when I think about it. He said: \”Okay, since you have already beaten me, then I will not go to school!\” After a while, he continued: \”You are not a qualified mother at all. Believe it or not, wait until I grow up. , when you get old, I will beat you to death too!\” That vicious look instantly shattered my pretense of toughness. You will never win in a fight with your children. Although I know Rooney is a tough-talking and soft-hearted guy, these words still scare me. If I keep fighting like this, no matter how good the kid is, he will become bad! At the same time, I also deeply realized that spanking children is useless! In fact, not only is spanking children useless, any punishment of children will be ineffective in the long run. Jane Nelson, the founder of positive discipline, said that the long-term effect of punishment is that children often use one or all of the following four \”Rs\” to \”retaliate\” to us: 1. Resentment – \”This is not fair! I can\’t Trust me!\” 2. Revenge – \”They won this time, but I will get it back!\” 3. Rebellion – \”I have to go against them to prove that I don\’t have to comply with their requirements. Do it.\” 4. Retreat a. Sneaking – \”I will never let him catch me next time.\” b. Giving up on yourself – \”I am a bad boy.\” Of course, children usually do not realize it clearly The decision they made internally when they were punished, however, their future behavior is based on these subconscious minds. Don’t understand children? Try to think back to how you felt when your parents beat you as a child. What happens to children who are often spanked? Dr. Wei said in the \”Get\” column that the disadvantages of spanking children, in addition to possible physical injuries at the time, may also affect the child\’s brain development. They are more likely to have emotional disorders as adults, and the child may also use violence. to deal with the problem. Studies have shown that children who are frequently beaten have a significant reduction in gray matter in certain areas of the prefrontal cortex, which means that the children are more likely to suffer from mental disorders such as depression, are more likely to drink alcohol, and may have worse IQ test scores in the future. Teacher Yin Jianli also said that children who are often beaten at home generally have two possibilities. One is to learn to use violence to solve problems and toBullying other children; the other is the habit of swallowing up when being bullied and becoming a \”doorstep\”. I remember a piece of news a few years ago: In November 2013, a one-and-a-half-year-old boy named Yuan Yuan in Chongqing was mistakenly left in an elevator by his grandmother. When he was found again, Yuan Yuan was lying on the floor tiles downstairs of the community covered in blood and dying. After investigation, when Yuan Yuan\’s grandmother got out of the elevator, a 10-year-old girl named Li picked up Yuan Yuan and beat her. She took her from the elevator back to her home on the 25th floor and continued to beat Yuan Yuan on the sofa in the living room. Later, he carried Yuan Yuan to the balcony railing to play with her, causing Yuan Yuan to fall from the balcony railing. Why would a 10-year-old girl commit such a murderous act? In this regard, Dr. Hailan, a well-known psychological expert, analyzed that every child who commits violence is someone who has been subjected to violence. The psychological development of the child who was beaten is relatively slow, and she has no judgment on the consequences of the facts. The little girl’s father admitted that he and his wife usually beat and scold their daughter, which has an impact on her character. His neighbor told local media that the little girl\’s parents were both workers in a local factory and \”usually loved playing cards and lacked care for the little girl.\” The neighbor confirmed that beatings and scoldings were often heard from the little girl\’s home. Dr. Hailan analyzed that from the perspective of human instinctive reaction, this is not a premeditation, but a series of triggering processes. \”It\’s very possible that after the elevator door closed, the child saw that grandma was not there and cried loudly. When she cried, the little girl would get annoyed, so she committed a series of violent acts.\” I have a cousin whose father has a bad temper. She often beat her when she was a child, so that she suffered from severe depression in junior high school and attempted suicide several times. Later, she gradually recovered after treatment, but her cousin\’s temper also became more and more irritable, and she often became violent at the slightest disobedience. She yelled and threw things. She told me that she often dreamed that her father was holding a kitchen knife and wanted to kill her. She couldn\’t bear to hear a child crying. When she heard it, she immediately had a splitting headache and wanted to go up and beat her. Some people may say that what you mentioned are all extreme examples. Aren’t we also beaten when we were young? It’s nothing, what are you afraid of? I think the answer given by a netizen on Zhihu is very exciting: A child who has been beaten up will develop a problem of \”looking at people\’s faces\” even if he has no flaw in his psychology. From \”looking at people\’s faces\”. to \”flattery.\” To \”quyi Yingying\”. To \”follow the trend\”. To \”deceive the good and fear the evil\”. To \”the wolf pretends to be the tiger\’s power\”. Even \”sucking and licking hemorrhoids\”. Even to the point of \”helping the emperor to do evil\”. Don’t you see, each of the four-character idioms above is a common pathology in our society? Please think again, what happened to our vast Chinese civilization under the stick? Gentlemen, do you think the only ones waving sticks in front of you are parents? When you grow up, no one will threaten you anymore? Wrong, very wrong. Spanking and scolding is the simplest and most brutal way to stop a child\’s behavior, but it is also the most ineffective and has the greatest side effects. It’s really scary how you look when you spank a child. After realizing that spanking a child was useless, I started to consciously control my emotions. The night before yesterday, Rooney said he wanted to eat bread, so I planned to take my brother out with him. Just as I was putting my brother on the stroller and buckling the seat belt, Rooney suddenly turned off the light.Quickly said: \”Turn it on! I haven\’t buttoned it yet!\” Rooney immediately turned on the light, but his hand was still on the switch. After a while, the light turned off again, and then he turned it on again, turning it on and off several times. Finally, I got angry: \”What are you doing?!\” As soon as I finished speaking, I saw Rooney was stunned by me, and I was also shocked. This anxious, impatient, and reproachful tone was so much like my mother\’s. ah! Looking at Rooney, I seemed to see the trembling me when I was a child. I thought that my expression must be exactly the same as when my mother yelled at me, my face was ferocious and terrifying. I immediately said softly: \”Baby, please don\’t turn it on and off all the time, okay? The light will break.\” I thought of a public welfare short film shot by UNICEF, in which a group of artists used street pantomime to perform a show of parents\’ love for their children. Angry situation. (Video duration 1 minute and 29 seconds) The mother was talking on the phone, and the son just poked her with his finger, trying to say something to her. However, my mother turned around and didn\’t listen at all. She opened her mouth to curse, and then raised her hands. The child habitually covers his face with his hands. This shouldn\’t be the first time he\’s been beaten. Another girl handed in her homework timidly. What he faced was still the roar of his impatient father who was busy with his busy schedule. The father\’s appearance was even more ferocious. Raise your hands to start fighting. Passers-by have gone from watching the excitement to being horrified. Someone filmed the domestic violence on a cell phone. Some people were so scared that they covered their mouths. Some children were so frightened that they clung to their mothers, fearing that they would become such a protagonist. Mom, they are so pitiful. Although this is a pantomime with no dialogue, it is heartbreaking to watch. The parents in the picture look so hideous that the adults passing by cover their faces and cannot bear to look at it. This is what we look like when we spank our children. If you took a photo of yourself spanking your child and looked back at it, you would definitely not believe that the person with the hideous face at that moment was you! Wilde once said: \”The best way to make children well behaved is to make them happy. And most adults in this society are surprisingly stingy when it comes to making children happy.\” Yes, even if the times are progressing, , children are changing, and most parents today still believe in the absurd notion that in order to make their children do better, they must first make them feel worse. Think about how we felt when we were beaten and scolded by our parents when we were children. When did we accept criticism from our parents with humility? Do we want to be better because of it? How to resist the urge to hit a child? Although we realize that spanking children is useless, for parents who face \”bear\” children every day, especially mothers who are physically and mentally exhausted, it is not easy to control their emotions. In addition to constantly reminding myself that spanking children is useless, I have been learning the following three methods recently: First, keep an emotional diary to record \”tipping point\” events. When most parents want to spank their children, it\’s not because the child\’s behavior is so heinous, but because we have a lot of unsolved knots in our hearts. For example, the relationship between you and your family of origin; or the relationship between you and your mother has conflicts that need to be resolved; or you have been treated like this since you were a child – you were beaten to an old age, so you don\’t know how to control your emotions. Spend 10 minutes every dayTake the time to record your temper tantrums and become deeply aware of them. What is it that triggers you? If you record it for a long time, you will find that on the surface it is your child\’s problem, but in fact it is your problem; on the surface it is your child\’s lack of acceptance, but in fact it is your own lack of acceptance. The second is to pause for 3 minutes when you lose control of your emotions. When you lose control of your emotions, you are like a machine that enters automatic mode, and your emotional brain takes over. At this time, remember to step out and tell your child in time: \”I am very angry now. I need to calm down.\” Take a deep breath and wash your hands. Keep your face and wait for your rational brain to recover before communicating with your child. The third is to repair the relationship promptly after the incident. Of course, no one is a saint. We will inevitably lose control of our emotions. Even if we can\’t help but spank our children, instead of falling into regret and guilt, we should truthfully tell our children why I lost my temper at that time, what I thought, and How I felt afterwards. At the same time, remember to sincerely apologize to the child, hug the child, tell him \”I love you\”, repair the parent-child relationship in a timely manner, and minimize the harm to the child. As adults, we have the responsibility and ability to control our emotions in front of our children and set a good example for them. This is also a process of self-salvation and self-growth. In this process, the hurt, confusion and problems brought to us by our original families will also be solved. Therefore, although this process is difficult, it is still worth our efforts.