What should I do if my child always loses his temper?

I once beat my nephew, really hard. At that time, he wanted to have breakfast and asked my mother to bring it to him. My mother was washing dishes in the kitchen and said she was too busy, so she asked him to come and eat by himself. Then, my nephew lost his temper and started scolding my mother in a very unpleasant way, even saying \”you old devil\”. After hearing this, I felt very angry. My father and mother serve you with good food and drink all day long, and you treat them like this? Has your conscience been eaten by a dog? I yelled, picked up the stick and hit him hard. My nephew was crouched in the corner and huddled up after I beat him. He didn\’t cry or beg for mercy, he just tried to shield himself with his hands. It was summer, he was wearing short sleeves, and my stick landed firmly on him. Later, when I became a mother myself, every time I recalled this scene, I would blame myself, feel distressed and feel guilty. A collection of 100 children\’s songs with continuous playback of 1080P ultra-clear videos. If I go back to that scene again, I think I will hug him. Although this is difficult and sounds incredible, I will definitely do it. How pitiful is a child who dares not lose his temper? My nephew is very stubborn and mischievous. In my dad’s words, he won’t listen to you unless you give him a good beating. One time during dinner, he made some comments because he disobeyed my father. My father gave me a backhand slap, and my nephew was stunned and didn\’t say anything for a while. I saw tears welling up in his eyes. My nephew held back his tears. He tried hard to control himself, but I saw the boundless anger in his eyes. At that moment I knew that for a child who dared not lose his temper, all his anger turned into hatred. This kind of hatred made him forget his kindness and family affection. When he is slightly dissatisfied with his relatives, his anger will burst out and he can say any ugly thing. That\’s what happened to my mother that time. My nephew is still not confident. Once my niece asked me: \”Auntie, who do you like more between my brother and I?\” The nephew who was standing aside smiled mockingly and said, \”Auntie must like you. Who would like me if I am so disobedient?\” I replied, I like both of you. Then I said to my nephew, you have many advantages. You often help me without me asking. You buy delicious food and bring it back to share with your family. What a good boy. After hearing this, the nephew\’s eyes shone with light. He could not believe it but was extremely happy. I learned that children who dare not lose their temper will actually \”attack themselves\” internally. He will subconsciously feel that he is a \”bad boy\” and is not loved and liked by others. My nephew is still very timid. I heard from his classmates that he was bullied by senior children at school and did not dare to talk back or fight back. And we haven\’t even heard him talk about it at home. When a child does not dare to lose his temper at home, he actually learns to withdraw, does not dare to express his emotions, does not dare to fight for his own interests, and even develops a pleaser personality. Because his parents told him through their actions at home that even if he was wronged, he was not allowed to lose his temper! Only then did I understand that a child who dared not lose his temper crushed all his grievances into pieces and swallowed them in his belly. He did not dare to speak out, express, or even ask for help. Beware of \”power struggles.\” Seeing children throwing tantrums, throwing things, or even hitting themPeople, I think, no matter how good-tempered their parents are, they can\’t help but want to roll up their sleeves and give them a spanking. How can we not educate our children? Do we want to condone his rebellion? When children lose their temper, we need to be careful of a \”trap\” proposed by psychologist Rudolf – a power struggle. The parents want this, and the children want that, and the two sides are at a stalemate. Children lose their temper, cry, or even hit others because they want their parents to compromise; parents scold and take action because they want their children to obey. Isn\’t this situation a \”power struggle\” between parents and children? The parent gives in, the child wins, and the child learns how to fight for more rights for himself the next time. Parents use simple and rude methods to make their children obey, and they seem to have won temporarily. However, the children become more and more rebellious, and love to go against their parents more and more, often making their parents angry. This is the inevitable result of the \”power struggle\”. Everyone wants to win, but as a result, both parties are exhausted, and there is even some resentment between parents and children. Therefore, when a child loses his temper, we have to remind ourselves whether we are engaging in a \”power struggle\” between us and our child? Scolding is the worst policy, reasoning is the middle policy. A child will not cry for no reason. When he loses his temper, there must be some inner demands that have not been met. There is a saying that a child\’s behavior is \”wood\” and his mental state is \”forest\”. Many times, we only see the trees but not the forest. We often only see the surface of the child, he is losing his temper, he is making trouble unreasonably, he is disrespectful and unreasonable. But we fail to see the true psychological state behind the child and how to properly channel his emotions. If we scold, this is the worst policy. Because scolding may arouse the child\’s rebellious psychology and make him more paranoid. It is also possible that our scolding only eliminates his superficial behavior but does not solve his real inner problems. Whenever there is an opportunity in the future, this problem will still come up again and again. And if it makes sense, this is the middle policy. Because the book \”The Whole Brain Parenting Method\” points out that when a person loses control of his emotions, his brain will automatically shut down rational thinking. When a child is in a mood and loses his temper, no matter how many reasons you try to explain, he will not listen. Instead, he will become more stubborn until he achieves his goal. I believe many parents have had this experience. When your child cries, trying to reason with him has zero effect. It is of no use except wearing down our own patience. The best advice is rarely used. Since scolding is the worst policy and reasoning is the middle policy, what is the best policy? I think \”winning cooperation\” proposed in the book \”Positive Discipline\” is a very good way to deal with it. Because we and our children often easily fall into \”power struggles\”. Everyone wants to win, and everyone wants the other to compromise. Where there are winners, there must be losers, which is detrimental to the parent-child relationship. Therefore, we can respond by \”winning cooperation\” and transform both parties from \”competitors\” to \”partners\”. There are three steps to win cooperation: 1. Understand the child\’s feelings. When the child loses control of his emotions, curses, or throws things, we not only do not step forward to teach him a lesson, but we also say, \”I understand your feelings.\” I think this is very difficult for parents. But understanding and empathizing with a person\’s feelings is indeed more effective than scolding. we have to passLook at the child\’s behavior to see the emotions and problems behind it. Why does the child lose his temper? For example, when my nephew loses his temper at my mother, he may be disappointed that his wish has not been fulfilled, or he may simply hope that my mother can accompany him. But he can\’t express himself, so he responds with the simplest tantrum. If I could say something like: \”You feel very sad that grandma didn\’t respond to you in time, so you hope to get your wish fulfilled by losing your temper?\” Maybe the nephew\’s mood will not be so excited, but calm down. Because he was understood, he felt like someone was seeing things from his perspective and resonated with him. 2. Express feelings and bring back the child\’s rational thinking. After you take the previous step, the child is often willing to listen to you because he feels that you are not on his hostile side. At this time, we should not rush to reason, but should guide him to think and bring back his rational thinking. The best way is to tell him how others feel and arouse his empathy. For example, if your nephew yells at your grandma, how will your grandma feel? Will she be sad? How would you feel if your grandma scolded you like this? Guide children to think and empathize, and let them know the consequences of their actions. 3. Come up with solutions After dealing with the emotions, we can start dealing with the children. Why do children lose their temper? Because his demands were not addressed. How to solve? We might as well ask the child questions and ask him if he has any good ideas. The nephew wanted his grandma to serve him breakfast, but he was refused. Everyone encounters setbacks and not all wishes come true. What should you do in this situation? Next time grandma is busy, how can you achieve your wish? Grandma thinks that eating breakfast is your own business, and she has no obligation to bring it to you. How can you prevent yourself from going hungry? We can discuss these issues with our children without any emotion and help them think about and change their behavior patterns. This is infinitely better than losing our temper and not allowing our children to express their emotions. When a child can learn to control his emotions and think proactively, it will benefit him throughout his life. If I heard my nephew getting angry at my mother, I didn\’t pick up the stick, but walked over to hug him and told him: I know you are angry and sad. You can vent it out, but you can\’t hurt others, but Figure out your own solutions to problems. How wonderful would it have been if I had done this?