A fan friend complained that her son was stubborn: On the weekend, she and her friends took their children to the park to play. The children were having a good time, but unexpectedly, her son and another child got into a fight over a toy, and the son snatched it away. toys and pushed the children down. This scene happened to be seen by her, and she took the initiative to ask her son to apologize to the other party. Her son\’s face turned red and he said angrily: \”I\’m not apologizing!\” The child did something wrong and was so unreasonable, which made her very angry, so she raised her voice and severely criticized the child. The child cried aggrievedly, but he still couldn\’t say \”I\’m sorry\” after all. In life, when many parents criticize their children, they are particularly obsessed with their children\’s apology, but the children will be stubborn and refuse to apologize. Why do children react this way? This is related to the topic of \”shame\” that I want to talk to you about today. Shame and Guilt Danish psychologist Ilse Sander explains shame in her book \”The Right Shyness\”: Shame is a social emotion. Shame is the feeling that there is something wrong with you and that you are not loved by others. She points out that short-term shame is a healthy response. Essentials for family education: How to encourage children’s progress and self-confidence, all 70 episodes. In other words, feeling shame is a normal phenomenon in life. A short-term feeling of shame can inspire children to reflect, learn from their mistakes, and improve their moral character. . What we really need to be wary of is a strong inner sense of shame. For example, for the child who refused to apologize, for him, apologizing seemed to mean \”I am a bad child.\” Especially apologizing in public requires the child to put down his or her pride in order to win forgiveness from the other person, which makes him feel very ashamed. While he refused to apologize, it was also tantamount to self-defense. A child with a strong sense of shame is always highly sensitive to these \”humiliating\” situations, and he needs to find ways to protect his self-esteem. So, why do some children apologize sincerely and proactively? Here we need to mention the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt and shame are two emotions that often appear interchangeably. They are inextricably linked and have subtle differences. A psychologist once mentioned in a speech how to distinguish these two feelings. Children affected by shame: “I did this, therefore I am a bad person.” Children affected by guilt are not feeling sorry for themselves but about a specific behavior: “I did a bad thing. \”This difference will also lead to different behavioral outcomes for children. Children who apologize sincerely are more willing to think about how to make up for their behavioral mistakes precisely because they feel guilty. The focus of their reflection is on the impact of their behavior on others. But this is not the case for children who are tortured by shame. The focus of their reflection is themselves, and they are surrounded by a sense of worthlessness, so they choose to escape from the pain. Many adults\’ criticisms make children full of \”sense of shame.\” If a child always feels that \”I am bad\” and \”I can\’t do anything\”, he will develop habitual shame. The reason for the formation of this idea is hidden in the parents\’ response, such as neglect, shameHumiliation and so on. Many adults\’ criticisms will also fill children with a sense of \”shame.\” We will judge a child\’s motives as bad through a certain behavior, and then deny the child as a whole. Belittle children and label them: \”What\’s your use?\” \”Trash\” \”Lazy/stupid/cowardly\”… Teach children in public, don\’t leave the children face to settle old scores, and repeatedly mention the children\’s faults. See These parents are very aware of the impact of shame on their children. When children behave badly, we will use shame to restrain them. By humiliating children, we let them know their shame and expect them to repent. However, children rarely change as a result. When children are surrounded by shame, their first reaction is not to take responsibility, but to escape from this embarrassing situation. They will devalue themselves and deny themselves. Some children are also very sensitive to criticism and will criticize When it is a denial of him as a person, when it is serious, the child will break the jar and become indifferent to the education of his parents. In news stories, there are many examples of children running away from home, resisting, or even committing suicide by jumping off buildings because of criticism from their parents. Adults lament that this is all because of the child\’s fragility. In fact, sometimes it is the criticism that lacks proportion, humiliates the child, and deprives the child of self-esteem, which is why the child reacts so violently. There was once a news story about a mother who kept scolding her son for not doing his homework seriously on the bus. The child became anxious and began to talk back. The mother was so angry that she took off the child\’s clothes, leaving only his underwear and socks, and got out of the car. The child endured the doubtful looks cast by the passengers in the car and sat silently at the terminal. The arrogance when he talked back was gone, replaced by a look of helplessness and bewilderment. Some parents commented: \”If you do this, the children will always remember it, right?\” In fact, children change because of fear, and parents feel relaxed because they have subdued their children. This is just an illusion. For children, parental humiliation is a betrayal of their unconditional attachment and trust in adults. They may hide their feelings and behaviors, and become more and more alienated from their parents; they may become less and less concerned about external evaluations on the surface, and feel helpless in their hearts; they may learn this way of communication, retaliate in kind, and rebel against their parents ; They may have a deep inferiority complex and doubt their own sense of worth and existence… When we \”humiliate\” children, we are also destroying their \”upward\” power. From this perspective, the price of \”long memory\” is too high. American psychologist Beverly Engel once said: \”Of all emotions, only shame can destroy our evaluation of ourselves, thinking that we are dirty, ugly, inferior, worthless, and unworthy of love.\” OK Education requires leniency and severity. There are always times when parents need to point out their children\’s mistakes and tell them the bottom line and principles. This is the responsibility of educators. But the last thing we can do is impart too much shame into our children when we criticize them. The basic premise of criticizing children. Seeing this, some parents will say: \”If you say this, your children can\’t even talk about it?\” Criticism is an education method that parents cannot do without. But understandCritical parents will continually respond with a mixture of criticism and acceptance. They guide children to reflect on their behavior, but continue to express support for their children. They have a belief that children are inherently good. In the words of American parent-child education expert Rebecca Iron, \”You have to remember that he is a good child with positive motivations, but he just made a bad choice. In fact, every child has a \”I am good\” heart \”Children\’s\” pursuit, their behaviors that make parents dissatisfied are unavoidable challenges in the process of growth. They just need your help and guidance, that\’s all. Once we lose patience, we will regard our children\’s behavior as a sign of our It is easy for us to focus too much on bad results, turn education into \”shaming\”, and exaggerate and demonize mistakes. In the end, we lose the trust of children and various educational methods begin to fail. Therefore, we When criticizing a child, you must first isolate the child from the mistake itself, use more positive sentences, and do not blame or label. For example, if a child breaks a cup, instead of just scolding him, say \”Mom, I believe it\” \”You didn\’t mean it\” can arouse children\’s reflection. What we convey to the children is: You did this wrong, but I believe you are still a good child and I love you. Next, we need to guide the children to pay attention What went wrong and how it affected others. For example, if a child damaged his brother’s favorite figurine, we need to help the child think from his perspective: Would you feel bad if your brother took your favorite toy car away? Such communication , can awaken children\’s guilt, and then realize their own mistakes. Finally, guide children to think: What can they do next to take responsibility or make up for their mistakes? It can be an apology, or it can be consciously doing some compensatory actions. In this way Only then can our criticism be considered \”perfect\”. In the process of growing up, children will inevitably have unsatisfactory performance. What we have to do is to encourage children to face their mistakes bravely. Be more patient and understand , with gentle reminders, hints, and a nudge, children can basically change spontaneously. Our love and tolerance for children give them the courage and confidence to face mistakes. Never use humiliating criticism to Children push against us.