• Tue. Dec 5th, 2023

You are ruined by Chinese praise! How do parents educate their children correctly?

Minyi\’s father, as a straight man and a daughter-in-law, has always pursued Chinese-style \”praise education\” during Yibao\’s education. For example, when Yibao throws the garbage into the trash can by himself, Minyi\’s father would also say, \”Oh my God, our Yibao is so great!\” I really spent a lot of effort to change his bad habit. Let him understand: This is not encouraging the child to develop in a better direction. These are things that children should do, and excessive praise from parents will only ruin their children! After being praised by her father, Yibao regarded throwing away garbage as a big deal. She was also a \”remarkable\” person who threw away garbage, and other small things in life, which were originally what she should do. For Yi Bao, it has become a matter of, \”You have to praise me if I do it, and it doesn\’t matter if I don\’t do it.\” The world of a child is very simple. He may just think that if I do it, it is \”very awesome\”. If I don\’t do it, then I won\’t be \”very awesome\”. When playing games with Minbao, it became clear that he had to take first place because he was a \”great\” person. It becomes easy to become proud and conceited. None of this is the worst thing for me, the worst thing is that Yibao has become unable to afford a little failure. Minbao was forced to start over when he lost the game, cried bitterly when I told him he didn\’t throw out the trash, and so on. She doesn\’t care about the interesting process, she only cares about the ending that can be praised. She doesn\’t think about what she has done, she only cares about whether she is praised. And this is not what I want to see. Every mother hopes that her child will become talented, and Minyi\’s mother is no exception. But I hope that Minbao and Yibao can become children who can withstand setbacks and failures and have the character of self-improvement. Many parents tend to praise their children in an assembly-line manner, that is, no matter what their children do, parents will say: \”Our baby is so smart!\” \”Our baby is awesome!\” \”Our baby is awesome!\” \”!\” In a short period of time, parents can indeed find that their children become very active in everything they do, but as time goes by, they may become like Yibao, unable to arouse interest in anything, unable to withstand failure, and become Very proud and show off. I don’t recommend parents to praise children for things they should have done. I don’t know if this kind of assembly-line praise can make children become talented, but it will definitely make children lose their ability to judge themselves. They just completed ordinary things in life. Why should parents label their children as \”awesome and awesome\” and make them lose their sense of normalcy? Just like the story of \”Injuring Zhongyong\”, how many young geniuses have fallen due to \”flattering\” praise. Some parents may think: \”The child is still young and does not have the ability to judge himself. Praising him can motivate him, so why not do it.\” Because the child is still young, he cannot be allowed to develop the habit of being proud and conceited. Losing the ability to judge oneself, being easily satisfied with a little praise from others, and getting used to a life without effort. Just like Yibao, after she got used to her father\’s compliments of \”you are awesome\”, she thought she was the best at everything and could not accept her \”not being awesome\”. Once I point out her mistakes orWhen you criticize her, she will get very excited and find it difficult to accept it. Moreover, Minyi\’s mother is a second-child family. Whether she is playing games or doing something together with her brother Minbao, Yibao starts to become more independent. For example, one day she finished eating snacks and threw the garbage aside. I told her to throw the garbage in the trash can, but she was very reluctant. Yibao and Minbao were playing games because they lost, so they forced Minbao to start over. When I told him: The game will not start over just because you lost. Yibao started to cry loudly. It may be that the word \”lost\” made her find it difficult to accept, so she used \”force\” against me. After Minyi\’s father witnessed the whole process, he finally realized the seriousness of the problem. Excessive praise will make children unable to experience failure and a little setback, and even become arrogant and self-centered. Of course, Minyi\’s mother is not saying that you can\’t praise your children, but she just wants to tell everyone through her own family\’s experience how to praise your children and not let Chinese-style excessive praise ruin your children. \”Praise education\” is to enable children to have strong inner energy and dare to challenge the future, rather than to make children lose their ability to recognize themselves, become conceited, and cannot afford to experience any setbacks. I don’t know if you still remember Lin Miaoke who sang the national anthem at the Beijing Olympics in 2008. She appeared again in a reporter\’s interview when she was taking the Nortel and China Theater Arts Examinations. Throughout the interview, she maintained the posture and expression of a 9-year-old child. It is said that she also acted like this during the performance, which seemed a bit \”pretentious\”. Netizens think this may be the reason why she failed the Nortel and China Theater Arts Examinations. Minyi\’s mother thinks that Lin Miaoke is a typical example of being left where she is after being praised. Countless compliments make the child lose the ability to recognize himself. He thinks that the 9-year-old self is the best self, so he is still the best self at the age of 18. He looked like a child. Fortunately, after failing the art exam and facing overwhelming news, she did not give up on herself, but quickly integrated into her college life. The one-sided news did not make this little girl lose her tenacity, but made her fight again. The impact of this kind of excessive \”praise\” on children can be explained by the excessive reasons effect proposed by American social psychologist Festinger: additional external reasons replace the original internal reasons for people\’s behavior and become behavioral support. Behavior thus shifts from internal control to external control. Social psychologist Desi conducted such an experiment. In the first stage, he selected some college students who were very interested in IQ testing to do IQ test questions. In the second stage, he divided these students into two parts and gave scholarships to some of them. Then he discovered that students on both sides obviously liked doing IQ test questions, but the students with bonuses began to show mood changes and their interest dropped significantly. In the third stage, he canceled the bonus. This part of the students seemed to have lost the reason to do the questions, while the other part of the students still maintained their motivation. When the parents\’ praise replaced the children\’s own interests as the reason for the children\’s efforts, the children\’s own behavior also changed. It is not out of one\’s own preferences, but at the mercy of parents\’ \”praise\”. The child will use the parentHe used his mother\’s \”praise\” to explain his efforts, and gradually forgot his own interests. Especially after receiving no praise, the child seems to have lost the reason to work hard. People like to use external reasons to explain their behavior. Parents should not let their own \”praise\” become their children\’s \”external reasons\”. Parents say \”you are awesome\” and \”you are so smart\”. Such casual praise will not inspire children to grow, but will become poison that destroys them. The real \”praise education\” is to carefully observe the child\’s every move, recognize the child\’s efforts, and help her complete the process of self-awareness. Minyi’s mother here puts forward some suggestions on how to “praise children”: 1. Don’t praise the results, but praise the process. When a child gets good grades, instead of praising the child, \”You are so smart,\” parents should praise the child, \”Mom or dad knows that you studied very hard this time to achieve such good results, so I am proud of you.\” Studying hard and completing homework are all children\’s responsibility. Therefore, when praising, parents should recognize the process of their children\’s efforts and let them know that it is not because of doing this that they become \”great\”. It\’s because you have worked hard to surpass yourself that you are \”amazing\”. Let children recognize their own efforts through \”praise education\” and get used to using their own efforts in exchange for what they want. Especially when children experience failure, parents should use this method to tell their children that failure is not terrible, as long as you work hard. 2. Don’t praise personality, but praise facts. For example, when Yibao threw the garbage into the trash can, Minyi\’s father no longer praised her and said, \”You are awesome.\” Instead, he said, \”Yibao knows how to throw away the garbage.\” It\’s great to get into the trash can and become a clean little girl.\” Although children may not understand many things, they have a very strong ability to perceive emotions. Praising children from a factual perspective will help them understand The essence of things helps them establish correct values ​​and develop good living habits. It can also help children understand themselves from these things. The essence of \”praise education\” is to \”help children complete self-understanding and form a perseverance of character.\”

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