Do these 5 things well and you will no longer have to worry about not having time to spend with your children

My friend M sent a series of voice messages on WeChat, struggling with whether to resign and go home to spend time with the child: \”Both of us are busy at work, and we can only spend time with the child when we get up early and before going to bed. I really want to resign, but the father\’s income is not high. My quality of life will definitely be affected if I quit my job. Now that my little girl is almost two years old, she will cry loudly every day before I go to work. Thinking that I am not with my child when she needs company most, I can’t help but want to cry…\” M\’s I can understand the feeling. When Zhe was a child, I had such anxiety when I went to work during the day. Everyone knows that \”company is the best love\” and that children who lack companionship may have problems of one kind or another. When they see other mothers spending a lot of time with their children, they can\’t help but feel guilty for their \”incompetence\”. But can staying at home full-time provide the best company for your children? What kind of companionship does the child need? The effect of companionship is not directly proportional to the length of time. Like many parents, I once thought that just staying with my children more would be enough. When he first resigned, Mr. Zhe had just entered the relaxation class. For a period of time, he was not feeling well and did not go to the early childhood education center. I took care of him while doing housework, and I also had to conceive and write tweets, which was a bit busy. Classmate Zhe is not happier because I am at home all day. On the contrary, he loses his temper easily and will not be finished until he cries a few times a day. During that time, I was very disappointed with myself and began to reflect on what went wrong. Until one day, while I was typing on my laptop and answering his questions perfunctorily, he suddenly exploded, threw all the toys to the ground, and angrily ran to me and slapped the computer. I got angry and asked him what he wanted to do. He burst into tears: \”I don\’t want my mother to work! I want my mother to stay with me!\” \”My mother is at home every day, isn\’t she?\” \”But…but I want my mother to be there too.\” Look at me…\” Looking at the child crying into tears, I immediately understood my mistake – I was indeed by his side 24 hours a day, but I had been immersed in my own world and didn\’t think about it. Doesn\’t do that, rarely listens to his needs with undivided attention. This habit gradually disappeared after I resigned, because I thought that \”I have a lot of time to spend with my children every day.\” After that incident, I began to carefully plan my daily affairs: when the children were at home, I would set aside a period of time to spend with my children in the morning, afternoon, and evening. During these times, I watched him carefully, feeling his sense of accomplishment when he accomplished something, and gave him timely encouragement. I also felt his frustration when he failed to do something well, and gave him timely comfort. When doing housework, I will appropriately invite him to join me according to his needs, and let him do simple tasks such as cleaning the table and throwing waste paper into the trash can. The effect was immediate, his mood improved significantly, and even if I had to deal with something temporarily and needed him to be alone, he could play by himself without disturbing me. Regarding \”the relationship between the care and companionship provided by parents and the development of children\’s emotional and cognitive abilities in the future,\” American child psychologists have conducted follow-up studies for decades and found that \”it is not the parents who really affect the children\’s personality and behavior. How long they spend with their children depends on whether parents understand their children\’s needs and whether they can respond appropriately to their children\’s needs.\” That is,The focus of \”accompanying children\” is not whether the time spent with children is enough, but whether the effect of accompanying children is good enough. Therefore, working mothers don’t have to worry about not having much time to spend with their children. What we need to do is to improve the quality of companionship and interact more actively and effectively with our children in the limited companionship. To provide your children with high-quality companionship, do these 5 things well. Qin was my neighbor when I was a child. Her father is a teacher in a middle school in the town. He has morning self-study in the morning and evening self-study in the evening, so he has very little time at home. Her mother is a doctor at a health center and often makes temporary visits. In my memory, Qin often stayed at my house waiting for her parents to pick her up because there was no one to take care of her. But Qin is a very sunny daughter. As long as her parents are at home, she can always hear laughter coming from her house, accompanied by cheers. I know it is the family of three playing interesting games. Qin also has a good personality. She always behaves generously, confidently and appropriately at all times. In addition, Qin\’s parents take Qin out every one or two weeks, sometimes taking a car to the county seat together, and sometimes riding bicycles to nearby attractions. Every time I see Qin dressed beautifully and holding the hands of her parents and going out to play, I feel so envious. Now, I finally understand that what Qin\’s parents give their children is what parenting experts often call high-quality companionship – it doesn\’t necessarily take a long time, but it can maximize the ability for parents and children to establish a beautiful intimate relationship and help children build up their self-esteem. , confidence and a strong sense of security. 1. High-quality companionship is to create a special time for your child, during which you completely belong to him. According to your work situation and your child\’s schedule, find a relatively fixed time period, which can be 30 minutes in bed when you wake up in the morning, or 1 hour before going to bed at night. During this time, you and Children are so close that they can enter each other\’s hearts. \”Relatively fixed\” means a pattern. In a child\’s world, routine means stability and security. If he is sure that his parents will come to accompany him at a certain time, he will look forward to that time with peace of mind. The warmth of that time is enough for the child to spend the whole day in peace. 2. High-quality companionship means maintaining a stable and good mood during the interaction with the child. Children are incredibly sensitive to the aura of their environment, and any positive or negative emotion we express will have an important impact on our children. So, if you want your child to be happy, use a positive attitude to influence and drive him. When you feel yourself in a \”bad mood,\” avoid your children and comfort yourself first. When a child loses his temper, remember to tell yourself that the child is not our enemy and does not mean to go against the adults. He just does not know how to deal with the current emotions. We must accept the reality that children usually use their mothers as the target of their emotional vents, because they are the most trustworthy person. 3. High-quality companionship means putting aside other things and focusing only on the child. When parents spend time with their children, there is a common phenomenon – \”hidden absence\”. It means that adults have enough time to accompany their children, but due to lack of effective communication, they are mentally unavailable. Children who have been \”hiddenly separated\” for a long time are prone to problems such as withdrawn personality, irritability, and communication difficulties. Accompanying, just refers to youThere is, but the heart is not there; and companionship, there is an extra \”person\” next to \”half\”, both body and mind are at this moment. As long as you give your child your whole-hearted companionship, your child will have the confidence to let go of your hand and run alone. 4. High-quality companionship means giving up the idea of ​​education and transformation, and not being utilitarian when spending time with your children. Many parents like to take the time to \”teach their children something\” when spending time with their children: you have to hold a pen like this, you have to draw this color to make it beautiful, you have to place the blocks like this so they won\’t collapse… Our brains use \” Learning is based on \”feeling\”. Every time you feel, a picture will be formed in the brain. The new picture is constantly compared with the previously stored picture, and another brand-new picture is integrated. In this comparison and expansion, the brain cells become More and more active. Many parents like to take the time to \”teach their children something\” when spending time with their children: you have to hold a pen like this, you have to draw this color to make it beautiful, you have to put the blocks in this way so they won\’t collapse…that is, children need to do it themselves. , learn through personal experience. They often need to repeat the experience again and again before they can fully understand something. Only those things they understand through personal experience will stay with them throughout their lives. When we give verbal instructions, no matter how good the starting point is and how correct the reasoning is, the first thing the child feels is: Mom doesn\’t like the way I am now, and I should become another person. Children who are not accepted cannot build a strong sense of security and are more prone to anxiety. When adults see children doing things that are not as expected, they are particularly used to correcting them. It is often these \”corrections\” that cause us to drift away from our children. A better way than correcting is to sit down, pick up a pen and draw a picture, paint it with your favorite color, and use a more scientific method to build building blocks… Do the right things again and again, and the children will see it. , then imitate, practice, and finally complete learning in your own experience. 5. High-quality companionship can start from daily moments. \”Playing games together\” is the most interactive way of companionship. When your child is a baby, every time you touch him, sing a song, or shake a rattle wherever he sees you, you are playing a game with him. When your child is older and can sit in your arms, every time you read a picture book to him, point to the brightly colored pictures, tell stories, and answer his immature questions, you are playing a game with him. When a child can run and jump, every time you disassemble and assemble toys or play house with him, you are playing a game with him. When playing games, it doesn’t matter what they play. Children are in the best state when they focus on it and enjoy it. Every week or every month, arrange a special day to use new things to let your children experience a different companionship atmosphere than usual. Insist on telling your child a story every day before going to bed. Encourage your children to join in when doing chores. Participation can bring a sense of accomplishment. Don’t take a car if you can walk. Walk together, play and talk while walking, and you will make many new discoveries. Do things with your child that he enjoys and share his emotions. Listen to your child wholeheartedly, repeat what your child describes, and help your child express how he or she feels at the time. Written at the end – compared to \”If you don\’t have time to accompany your children to grow up, your children will not have time to accompany you to grow old\”, I prefer to write in a limited way.During the time, believe in the child, see the child, accept him when he can\’t do it, accompany him to enjoy success, and accompany him to face failure, so that he can have dignity when he falls, and still have dignity when he hits the bottom. Courage to carry the lantern forward.