Does giving birth really make a woman lose herself?

Someone recently posted a question on Zhihu, \”Why do some girls hate having children?\” Then one respondent\’s answer won over 10,000 likes from Zhihu netizens, and spread to the circle of friends, becoming another hot topic. A brief summary of the respondent\’s reply: The respondent is independent in personality and is unwilling to affect her career and quality of life in order to have a child. Her parents and husband both wanted her to have a child, and they tried many ways to convince her, and she finally agreed. The conditions for her agreement were that she would only be responsible for the ten-month pregnancy and delivery once the child was born. After the child was born, she would be fed milk powder, her husband would be responsible for raising her, and her parents and parents-in-law would be responsible for helping. She would not care about anything, and she would have to maintain the standard of living she had before the child was born. This was the condition, and in fact she did so. She did not take care of the children during the confinement period. After two months, she returned to work, worked out actively, and lived as usual. She was only responsible for playing with her children in her free time. Behind this kind of life of hers, her husband and parents were so exhausted that they firmly stated that they would never have a second child. Seeing all this, she felt a \”pleasure of revenge\” in her heart. People who like her think she has stuck to herself, not let her children drag down her career, and given up on growing up. But is this kind of vindictive way of having children really worth emulating? Isn\’t this another kind of thinking of \”holding the uterus to control the whole family\”? ——\”If you force me to give birth, then I will only give birth but not support you, and you will do the rest.\” I very much disapprove of this approach. Giving birth to a child should be a natural, wonderful, happy, and full life. The process of expectation is not the experience of a woman sitting at the negotiation table in anger, making various conditions, and then impatiently spending ten months pregnant, anxious to \”unload\”. This is very unfair to the child and to the mother. But I don’t think this respondent is worthy of blame. In fact, she is just a woman in this society who is trying to maintain herself and does not want to be reduced to a reproductive machine. Sadly, in order for such women to gain some freedom of choice for themselves, and to fight for the right to be mothers whether and when, they have to adopt such a lose-lose strategy to achieve this goal. Her cry of \”I don\’t want to have children\” was not respected at all. In order to make her give in, her mother-in-law wanted to force her to take her to the hospital to get an IUD. Her family actually searched for intoxicants on the Internet, and her biological parents took back her IUD. ID card, \”If you promise to have a baby, I will return the ID card to you.\” She was isolated and helpless, and even her divorce was regarded by everyone as the words of a child, \”Hahaha, so childish.\” How could her compromise not be a trace of malice? How could she not take this opportunity to show off what was beneficial to herself? Harsh conditions? In fact, most women have motherhood buried in their bodies. If the whole family doesn\’t use the wheel tactics to brainwash her and force her to submit, or the mother-in-law doesn\’t despise her career and gender, and treats her like \”a woman\’s family makes some money\” That\’s enough\” attitude, and she may not be so resistant to being a mother. Maybe if she is given the opportunity to choose freely, her family will respect her wishes more, and she will be more willing to balance the relationship between career and family, and become a happy mother. But they didn\’t, they forced her, but forcing doesn\’t work.He offered conditions to seduce her, \”What will it take for you to give birth?\” She could only fight for every inch of land and never give in, because she didn\’t get enough respect, and the child became a bargaining chip for her. Fear of having children is probably a stage that all young girls will inevitably go through. Fear of being out of shape, fear of the discomfort of ten-month pregnancy, fear of the pain of childbirth, fear of the complexity of raising children, these are all things that are unimaginable for young girls in the rose-like world. But the vast majority of girls, after becoming wives, also become mothers, partly because of love and becoming brave, and partly because they have acquiesced in their reproductive responsibilities. “How can two people live without children? \”My friend is an obstetrician and gynecologist. She said that she often encounters mothers who cannot bear the pain during childbirth and will curse their husbands, \”It\’s all you, you are the one who hurt me.\” This kind of subconscious \” \”I gave birth to a child for you\” is a thought that has been permeated by women for thousands of years. It is also a resentment that cannot be dissipated when women are unable to fight against their own biological structure. Many women who do not enjoy being mothers have also become mothers. They are not willing to do so, and they have no patience and love for raising children, but women have no other choice. If someone gets married and dares to say that he doesn\’t want to have children, even his parents won\’t forgive him, \”What, you actually don\’t want to have children, so why did your family marry you?\” CCTV Spring Festival Gala sketch \”True Love Will Last Forever\” In \”\”, the ex-wife who chose to divorce silently because of the miscarriage of her child said, \”Your family has been passed down alone for several generations, and you cannot cut off the roots here.\” She voluntarily left the court because she believed that she had lost her fertility and would no longer be able to have children. She has no value in continuing the incense of her husband\’s family. She doesn\’t even need to find out her husband\’s opinion, because she can\’t give birth, but there are many women who can give birth, and changing wives is the most convenient and cheapest way to give birth. I wrote about Carina Lau, admiring this beautiful and strong woman who always controls her own destiny. However, someone commented under the article, \”So what, I still don\’t have children.\” The person who said this was also a woman. They regard fertility as the value of their existence and use this standard to judge the success and failure of all women. So today, some women say, \”I don\’t want to have children, don\’t force me.\” This is really a historical progress and the rise of feminism. The worry that having children will change the quality of their lives has never been more prevalent among young girls than it is now. Too many women have awakened. If men continue to plan to have a child and leave it to their wives to take care of as they did in the past, and they are still the hands-off shopkeepers, creating the kind of widowed parenting relationship, then it is better not to have children at all. If a man wants a child, he should show greater sincerity and have a more responsible attitude towards future life, so that a woman can give birth to a child willingly. Women are no longer so easy to fool. This resistance to not seeing oneself as a symbol of fertility is meaningful, even if childish. Is it really easy for a woman to lose herself as a mother? I tell you how I feel. Becoming a mother, that was the best thing that ever happened to me. II have never felt that I was deprived or oppressed. On the contrary, in the process of raising children, I can return to my childhood and have the opportunity to heal my inner wounds. Children are not a burden. Yes, raising him was hard, I was sleep deprived and exhausted, but what could be better than spending time with a new baby? I said, \”If I had known I would be so tired, I wouldn\’t have had a baby,\” but I still held him tightly in my arms, fearing to lose him for even a minute. I have not given up my career because I want everything and will not give up anything. I learned every opportunity, learned to use my feet to turn over books during feeding breaks, posted professional knowledge on the wall, and memorized it while coaxing the baby to sleep. When my child is a little older, when I accompany him to early education classes, I read and write by myself. Walking on the road, holding his little hand, we both recited our own lessons and exchanged feelings with each other. Letting children see their parents\’ efforts is the best education for them. I love him, but I also have my own life, career, preferences, and choices. There are limits to the sacrifices and contributions I can make to him. I would not give my all to my children and my family and then turn around and rely too much on my children and men because of the over-investment. We have common interests, but we must all live our own lives well, learn to be responsible for our own lives, and cannot hide our own values ​​in other people\’s goals. Maintaining yourself is more of a state of mind than a posture. Inner strength is the real strength. As long as you have self-existence in your heart, you will not be lost or bored even if you live the most ordinary life. If you don\’t have a self, even if you always pursue the most unique behavior, even if you don\’t have children, you will still be confused. If I didn\’t have children, I would still be old, but I wouldn\’t necessarily have the inner richness that I have today. I have never regretted having children. Through the hardships of raising children, I have seen a stronger and more complete version of myself, which I could never have imagined in the past. If there is an afterlife, maybe I would be willing to try a life without children, but in this life, I have no regrets. Who is the woman giving birth to? Women are not giving birth to children for men, nor are they giving birth to children for their parents, but they are giving birth to children for themselves and for the future. A child is not a tool used to save relationships, nor is it the result of completing the task of carrying on the family line. He should be worthy of a more selfless purpose in coming to this world: I am here to be loved. His parents opened their arms and welcomed his arrival with joy. Women should not be transformed into a mobile womb and fertility symbol. Whether or not to have children should be a matter of free will and should not be blindly coerced by others. However, please do not regard not having children as the secret for women to maintain themselves. This is very superficial. Motherhood is one of the greatest characteristics of a woman. If you resist in a panic and pursue formal independence and freedom, you will definitely go to the other extreme and misunderstanding: that is, you will fail to live up to the happiness that you should enjoy, and you will not be a mother. Failure to be a good mother and refusing to be a mother are regarded as resistance to the patriarchal society. This is still another kind of self-loss, because you accept your own choices and rightskidnapped by others. What women should strive for is not what choices we make. The key is to have the right to make choices. Whether a woman will lose herself when she becomes a mother has to do with herself first, and then with the man you choose. Settle these two things, any identity will help women complete self-cultivation. To give birth is to be willing to give birth to a child with someone you think is worthy of being the father of your child. Even if you don\’t have children, you are still willing to choose a like-minded man to live your life. Everything should be free, come from the heart and be seen in action. Be impartial, neither angry nor angry. Yes, it\’s hard, freedom is hard. Freedom is not about doing what you want to do, but being able to say no to what you don’t want to do. Those who are unable to refuse should follow the secular trend and follow the crowd. That will be the safest way and the most responsible way for oneself.